Hating myself

 I self sabotage.

Coke, chocolate, beer, unhealthy take out.

Each time the scales creep back up to those numbers I hated myself for. All my hard work for naught. Now as the years tick by its harder to budge, I have injuries where I find it's hard to exercise and I find I use this an an excuse. 

Eating myself to an early grave, to make matters worse my unhealthy diet has caused major teeth deterioration. 

I want to make myself accountable and to do that I know what I must do.

I need to set aside time every day to record my intake, I need to blog a few times a week.

I need to bloody stop putting shit in my mouth.

It starts now, this minute. 

No more coke, no more beer. Chocolate, biscuits and treats in moderation not in my regular meal plan.

I will record every little thing I put in my gob.

If I can't find a calorie count for it, the closest highest count will be entered. I will endeavour to find the best intake for my day for my age and size. I'm going to kick start this and kick start my butt. 

I want to loose 25kg in 21 weeks. By the new year I want to be back in a size 16. Not squeezing into 20's.

Now have class in the morning, couldn't sleep but once I start work on my weight, then hopefully issues like sleep and health fall into line. I'm going to do this. Done it before, going to do it again. My tool this time is my mindset. Positive thinking brings positive outcomes.

Long time no see.

Wow, started reading some of this, thought I'd lost this blog ages ago and found it again. So now I'm going to use it to be accountable for my own journey again. I got all the way down to 88 kg for a whole week. Yes I was sick lol. Pretty much established between 92 and 98. Up and down 6 kg over a few months.
Had a tummy tuck. Back in 2014. Not sure if I blogged about it, was going through a roller coaster relationship which never really helped much.
Met a wonderful man in October 2016. I'd quit smoking back in August 2016 also, and wasn't doing a great amount of exercise... mmmm so guessing where this is going, being comfortable, comfort eating not exercising. Came on what I considered slowly over 2 years, but if ended up 30kg heavier to what I stabilized at.
Why. Lollies, take away, tummy holding more, and the main offenders coke  and beer.
So going from a size 12 to 14 all the way back up to a 18 to 20. Back to  the fatty clothes shops. Back to puffing when walking any distances, back to injuring my ankle recently as my weight would be a major contributing factor. Back to being lazy in general. Lifts instead of stairs, driving instead of walking.

Well here I am again opening myself up to be accountable for my body.

I have rejoined a gym to start in a few weeks.
I am making a conscious decision no more soft drink (beer will come second, one thing at a time). Plus I think the litre of coke a day is doing way more damage than  anything else at the moment.
Plus in the next few weeks, I want to do optifast for a week to help shrink my sleeve and give me a kick start.

ACCOUNTABLE

Just posted this on Gastric Sleeve 150kg plus facebook page, thought I should share here too:
So angry at myself for making excuses, sat down last night and had a good hard look at what I have been doing. I have gained 5.7 kg in 4 months.
The old excuses are coming back into play, 'oh I quit smoking' 'oh it's muscle from exercising' 'it's being in a relationship again', I have got comfortable as I'm having my TT and will have kg of skin removal'
The truth is..... I PUT IT IN MY MOUTH, I EAT IT, Seriously no more excuses. Having my Tummy Tuck in 5 weeks. My treat for no longer being obese and getting to a overweight BMI was my tummy tuck. But have allowed my BMI to creep back up to 31.5 (was 29.7)
I have 5 weeks to make myself accountable. No more old me sneaking back into play. She was scratching, seriously downed a whole meat pie yesterday even though I felt so sick after. Giving myself a good talking too and holding myself accountable for every calorie put between my lips............ Or seriously this has been a waste of time if fat me is allowed to escape.............
So now to add to my thoughts:
Only managing to get to the gym about once a week, twice if I'm lucky. Still havent got my treadmill fixed. Have exercise equipment laying around the house gathering dust. Even not energetic in getting much housework done just the bare essentials (considering I have a house inspection coming up better pull my finger out on that one). Seriously my diet is crap. Way to many carbs, craving sugar constantly. So going back to basics.
Had opti for breaky, just had a bit of cheese on crackers for a snack. Going to cook up some ribs for lunch.
I do know where the calories are coming from. I'm drinking too much calories (jim beam cans are shockers at 265 calories a can, and i'm having one or 2 a night, one night there I downed 9 of the suckers. )
Munching on chips, ice creams and chocolate constantly. The old habit of going shopping and grabbing the treats as I walk out. I'm having way to much bread, rice,  pasta meals.
So 5 weeks till my Tummy tuck. Back on track time. Keep my calories on the 1200 mark. Not going to stress about exercise, specially since I seem starving after I exercise at the gym. So going to concentrate on calories first. Will be cancelling gym membership soon anyway as won't be able to exercise after TT, plus have a massive busy few weeks ahead of me with volunteer work. So after this week after I get my hand to mouth problem worked out. Will make sure I add a half hour minimum routine of exercise in at home.

Ok accountability actions:
1. Calorie counter to be used every day.
2. Weight only to be taken and recorded on Sunday. (jumping on scales during the week can have a few problems. Depression when not moving, over confidence when they have moved and thinking I can have that one bit more. Plus so much fluctuation in the week, it's a waste of time.. )
3. Hide the scales
4. Allow cordial as I am drinking more water, but no soft drink, milk drinks, only 1 juice a day.
5. No Bread, rice or pasta. Dry crackers allowed
6. Protein foods are all allowed including cheese.
7. If craving sweets only lollies that have to be sucked (hard boiled), no chocolate, chips or chewy lollies that slide down.
8. Fix treadmill
9. Blog at least every second day. Need to find myself accountable even if I slip I need to be truthful about it.


ok I'm sure I will add to this list as I remember.
ok Determined to loose 6.7kg in 5 weeks. Wish me luck...............

Bad Me

Written a month ago, forgot was in my drafts:

:I don't feel depressed. But I'm eating junk, biting my nails again. Smoking more, drinking a bit more on weekends than I usually do and not sleeping well.
If anything I would just say I'm "out of sorts". Insecurities creeping back into my life, relationship problems that I convince myself and friends that it isn't affecting me but deep down I think they are.
I'm eating chocolate, chips and drinking soft drink. Just today I had one crunchie, 2 snack size salt and vinegar chips and 2 cans of coke. Old dark nasty habits creeping back into my life. I keep saying to myself back on track tomorrow, but then start the ugly pattern again. So blogging my eating habits and emotions might give me the slap in the face that I need.

OLD HABITS

Seriously what is wrong with me. Old habits roughly the same weight now for 5 months, hovering up and down about 3 kg. ( 91 and 94).  All I want to do is crack that magical number. See the scales go into the 80's and stay there.
I am still exercising 3 to 4 times a week, but problem is have increased my volume of food and eating the wrong stuff. Kids school snacks are my worst enemy.
So decided need a kick in the arse. Go back on Opti for a week (even if it's just to replace 2 meals a day and have normal dinner). Also to track my calorie intake. Make myself accountable for each morsel I put into my body.
Ok for example todays Diet:
Banana
Divine Macadamia Bar, chocolate coated
4 x Mini Chicken Kiev Balls
1/4 cup satay chicken and rice
1 pack Salt and vinegar chips (Snack size)
2 pack Doritos ( snack Size)
Cordial, 6 servings
Rush Chocolate Milk 500ml
Le Snack
Half can a bourbon
Oh and daughter had KFC snack box for lunch and I pinched some popcorn chicken and a couple of chips.

Ok, just added all that to "My Fitness Pal" app. 2,106 calories. If I wasn't exercising I would be gaining weight.
Knock off the chips and alcohol, cut back on the chicken balls and my day wouldn't have been to bad.
I find I have been eating way too many carbs again lately. Actually can eat a sandwich now. Not always does it stay down though.

Anyway some serious stuff will have to be happening soon or all this effort will be for nort.

Addictions

Well definitely replaced my food addiction with a Clothing addiction. Can't go shopping in a mall now without coming home with a new outfit. Also loving the op shops now that I can fit into a fair amount of the clothes. Also been going pretty hard with the exercise routine lately and was thinking last night (while I was having trouble getting to sleep) that I think I have replaced sex with exercise. My ex and I where pretty active, nearly daily. Then to go to nothing, needed to realise that energy somewhere. Been to the gym 4 times this week and did a body balance class (thinking it was going to be easy was a big mistake). Was even going to go today to the gym, but morning started off crap with a bad nights sleep,so went shopping instead.

Ok now for the weight loss update...... Still on a very frustrating stall. It goes up and down about 3kg since January. I haven't been recording it as its been to fickle. It ranges from 90.9 to 93.9, but the most constant weight the scales say is 91.9kg. It just doesn't want me to see the 80's (sad face).
Ok now just did my measurements, no weight loss on the scales over a month, but all the exercise must be paying off. In one moth have lost another cm of waist and tummy. The big surprise is my wings are still even shrinking 1cm off my left arm and 2cm off my right arm. Boobs are the same (can't afford to loose any more there lol) another cm off my wrists and ankles. But the question mark is my thighs are up a cm.But I'm guessing that's the muscle. Or incorrect measurement last month. But glad I just did that as for when the scales aren't moving the body is still reshaping. Also the fact is I now haven't had a period for over 5 weeks so wondering how much extra fluid I'm retaining.  No I'm not pregnant, already checked out that possibility and boy was I in a panic lol.
Still having some bad eating days and know I'm not eating enough fruit and veggies. But take my vitamins every day and have started to take a fibre vitamin now too, I feel it is working to a degree. My number 2's where all over the shop. But now they seem to be every second day and no bad constipation or diarrhoea (except after a night on the grog).
Go through bad chocolate days, they like come in waves.Might have a craving for a few days (in which I have been giving into) then can't stomach the stuff for about a week. I've switched over to diet cordial from normal cordial thinking that might be an issue (though I have had normal cordial all through my journey).
I've changed around my eating habits and times. But nothing wants to budge.
So I'm just going to stick with what I'm doing, though down the track I might do another pouch test and see if that shakes up my system at all.

Oh I posted this update on gastric sleeve site so thought I'd put it here too about loose skin:
Ok for those worried about excess skin. (Specially after watching the what goes wrong plastic surgery show on prime tonight) Specially after huge weight loss. My answer is EXERCISE while loosing. Going to put up my nearest to being nude lol and one taken a few weeks ago.
I have lost 86kg. I have 6kg more to go to my personal goal I am planning on a tummy tuck and thigh plastic surgery after I budge the last 6kg.
I am 44 for those wondering if age is a factor, I also have had 5 kids, twins in that equation.
This is to give you an idea of loose skin (but we are all different) but I do belief I'm not as bad as I could be because I have exercised for a fair bit of my journey. (20 months out)

 First photo About June 2012 


Second Photo February 2014











Oh also posted this on my Facebook wall and Gastric sleeve site: For the last 3 years. My friends and I have gone out to lunch on Labor Day. Thought I'd do a comparison shot.

Ok always more things going through my crazy head. Want to actually sit down and type up my food and exercise for a whole week to check over what I'm doing wrong (pinching bits and pieces of food here and there doesn't help, specially when I think 'oh its only a tiny bit don't bother recording it' but it all adds up). Really need to budge this stall. 

About to have a night on the grog isn't going to help lol. Oh well at least it's not going up. Better to maintain than slide back into a slow rise.

My first 2014 BLOG

Wow, I got lazy on this blog, just like I have been lazy this week with my food choices and exercise.
Ok update on weight. Got down to 91.9 on February 23rd 2014. Stalls are lasting way longer now. I weighed this morning at 93. So have had a gain grrrr. But refuse to enter it into my weight loss chart (it's a mind game thing with me and the app I am using to record my weight. Because if I defeat that I put on over a kg then I am back into obesity and not just overweight. Plus weigh in day is Friday!!!)
Thinking I should be recording my weight monthly now not weekly since it's now at a crawl.  Another set back was when I rejoined the gym they recorded my height at 174cm. OMG I am finally shrinking, I know it happens with age but once again to change the height on my App will change my BMI. So just not winning at the moment.
Anyway, A lot has happened in my life lately. Had a big fight with my ex husbands family,then early in the new year I broke up with my partner of 1 year. That's when i broke my last stall, didn't really eat much for a week or 2. Now what's going on. well started to see someone, but it's not going crash hot at the moment. Really like him but doesn't even seem to have time to pick up a phone and text hello. So still officially single, but behaving.
Getting heaps of male attention which is a bit scary. Been going out more now I'm single and seem to get hit on 'a lot' . Sometimes I get angry about it as I think why didn't these men hit on me when I was big. But the realisation is I didn't like to look at me when I was huge, why would any man. In a few mind sets about that one.
Rejoined the YMCA and have done water aerobics and a body combat class. Even pushed myself to do 20 laps (1km) swim the other week. Plus been to the gym twice. Also done a few Core boxing classes, they are fun but exhausting. Been trying to keep my calories under 1200, but averaging about 1,500 to 1,700 a day. Yes seem to be able to fit way more in and making bad food choices.
So this is why I think I hunted down this blog to update, makes me accountable for my actions and choices.
Haven't exercised since last Friday and was feeling really guilty for it, but was feeling off colour and decided to go to the doctor's today. Have an ear and sinus infection. Explained a lot, dizzy, no balance or coordination, headaches, sleeping heaps and just feeling unwell. So took the edge off the no exercise guilt trip. Nothing can be excused for bad food choices though.
Oh had my appointment at the hospital to go on the Public waiting list for a tummy tuck. But been told its a LONGGGgggg wait. Might have to save the pennies still as the loose skin is very depressing.
Well will finish up with some updated photo's. If I don't Post I forget about it and it sits there for a couple of months. Going to try to keep it more up to date.

Same bikini top January 2012 to January 2014

Gym gear brought, ready to kick start me back into exercise. In a boxing stance lol January 2014