Dear World

I found some old stuff I had written ages ago, and thought I'd share this one:

Dear world, I seemed to have misplaced, Mr Will Power, Miss Self Confidence, Mrs Go Getter. These three where replaced by Mr Lazy, Mrs Sleepy, and Miss Shy.
Well I just wanted to tell you I had a long chat with Mr Will Power today, and he said Miss Self Confidence and Mrs Go Getter are happy to befriend me again if I finish up my relationship with Mr Lazy, Mrs Sleepy and Miss Shy.
He even commented if I promise to do what he says he will even introduce me to Ms. Happy.
So dear friends if you see Lazy, Sleepy or Shy annoying me or getting me down. Tell me to find Mr Will power as he will sort them out

Netball Envy

Just had my youngest son at Netball (similar to basketball, except you cannot bounce the ball, and a 3 feet rule. Predominately a female sport, but as with most things now open to all).
I had such Netball envy, I just wanted to jump up and play. I used to play a far bit of netball, gave it up 17 years ago when I fell pregnant, did play a game or two up until I broke my ankle 12 years ago. I remember my last game, I was so unfit, I ached and soaked my clothes in sweat.
As soon as I can drop about 40kg, I want to get back into it.

Well 500 Grams down this week, but have decided since my scales aren't the most realiable. I'm saying this as I jumped on them 3 times in 5 minutes and got 3 different readings. So took the middle reading.

I'm trying to be good with my eating. Just I'm hungry all the time, not just tummy hungry, I know 90% of it's head hunger.  I actually went a few km out of my way yesterday so I could avoid the drive-thru's. McDonalds, Red rooster, Hungry Jacks and KFC all in a path from centre of town to my way home. I was hungry and knew I had food at home. That I did not need the junk food.

Well haven't been sleeping well at all lately. It's something I really have to work on. Went a whole night this week with no sleep at all. Amazing rush I actually got when it hit 24 hours no sleep. Was hopping around like a jack rabbit, even dancing as I made the kids breakfast, needless to say I got some weird looks from my children. So on that note, think I might pop a boring movie on and then hit the sack.

Addictions

Watching Extreme Makeover, and the guy is getting weighed in on a freight scale. Brought back memories of my last pregnancy where the hospital only had scales that went to 120kg and I had to go down to the basement to weigh on the freight scale, it was so demeaning and soul destroying. Think I was around the 140 plus kilogram mark I can't remember exactly.
 
Now the show is comparing food addiction to drug addicts. But it's true. As a super obese person, I can crave something to the point where I will have a total pig out, I once went through the McDonald drive thru and ordered a family meal, just for myself. Have only done it once but that disgust and self loathing I had in myself for days afterwards. Tonight my boys where eating corn chips while watching tv, before I realised it I had helped them consume the whole bowl, I don't think I even stopped for a breath. It was just a unconscious reaction. I used to think why should I deprive the kids the privilege of treats. I turned my privilege into an addiction. Would a drug addict sit there and say, hey kids you inject the heroin, but mummy can only watch!!! I need a healthy home for my kids and that will help me keep myself healthy. Treats need to be saved for birthdays, Christmas and movie nights. Not be available all the time. I usually make my kids lunches with a sandwich, piece of fruit, muesli bar and packet of chips. the chips need to go and be replaced with a second piece of fruit. Chocolate puddings need to be swapped with yogurts. Limit my lazy cooking days (frozen pies and frozen pizza type meals) with home made pizza's on pita, or savory mince on wholemeal toast. If there is no "fast food/snacks" in the house then I'm more likely to snack healthy myself without temptation in my face every time I walk in the pantry door or open the fridge door.

I have come a long way in over a year, not in my weight loss but in other bad addictions and habit. Over a year ago I used to smoke a packet a day (25's). I slowly cut down over time, best law Australian government ever brought in was as from 1st January 2012 shops could no longer display cigarettes. They could still sell them but having them in your face as you where finishing your purchase, always ended with "and a packet of smokes too".  Since they now hide them in locked cabinets the "Out of site out of mind" saying rings so true. Also doubling the price last year helped me cut right back. I cannot say I am totally nicotine free. I do find myself scabbing the occasional smoke when out with friends. But that has now become few and far between and I can't even smoke a full cigarette anymore.
Another habit gone is once a fortnight I used to get smashed for the weekend. Could down 12 plus bourbon and cokes easy. Kid free weekend was drunk Jo weekend. But something happened is I started to get really sick after my binge. Later to discover "hello diabetes" So bye bye to my binge drinking. I now have an occasional drink but been middle of last year since my last binge. Giving away the alcohol also helped give away the smokes.
Giving away drinking also said goodbye to promiscuous behavior, not that I was a tart. But I was married at 21 so when I divorced in 2006 I kind of had a few norty liaisons. Not as bad as Sam on 'Sex in The City' but no Charlotte either. But being single over the last 6 years (I have had 2 serious relationships since my divorce) Alcohol gave me confidence my self esteem lacked.
So no smokes, booze or sex......OMG that is sad lol

I finally broke another habit after 40 years with this revolting habit of biting my nails, I have grown my nails. A few keep breaking, but to have my own nice nails (I am a beautician so I can have fake nice nails when I want). this is only a recent achievement, I actually think it has something to do with the fact I now take Vitamin D and Iron daily and have monthly Vitamin B12 injections. Oh also winning the battle with my coke addiction (the soft drink kind). I used to drink at least 1.25 Litres a day, now I have cut back to about 1 bottle a week.
Now to concur my bad sleep patterns and food addiction............

Oh didn't record my weekly weigh, 400 grams up. Considering my massive binge was expecting more. Well only had one norty corn chip moment so far, so fingers crossed back on track.

Triggers

On a forum I link this blog too, I had a comment about sharing detail about what I ate. I decided after my last blog where there was a comment asking if i'd seen a psychiatrist and making me feel generally bad about myself. I reflected why do I write my blog! I write it for myself. I choose to share it with others. I now do not blog directly to any site but have put a link so people need to make a choice before reading. I will not change my style or thoughts or make a decision on if this blog is going to offend. It's who I am. I have my friends and family constantly judging me, my blog is a place to allow me to totally express myself. I listed my binge foods so I can reflect back upon that blog at a later date and realise why and what I did to help me move over that hurdle. If I just listed had a pizza and other bad stuff, well few months/years/decades down the track I would think "oh that wasn't so bad" But it was and I need to remember that feeling of self loathing and guilt to keep check that this does not happen again. I need to reflect what triggers binges and bad choices in my diet. I won't be able to binge with the sleeve, but I don't want to be a few years down the track and have stretched my small tummy out with wrong choices. My eldest sister had a lap band a few years back. The first year she did great and lost 30kg, but then she discovered that if she "sucked" chocolate it slid right past the band. She has recently gone to a psychiatrist to deal with this as her chocolate addiction stems way back previous to banding. She hasn't put weight back on but she also still needs to loose about 30kg.

I need to note my trigger foods, my trigger moods. People that "enable" (I am saving ENABLERS for a whole blog). So many things set my brain off on bad eating habits. I am not a chocoholic like my sister or daughter but once a month for about 2 days my body craves, needs, wants, chocolate (always know when my periods are coming with this craving). My binge started with the fact I had not had enough water and not eaten enough in the day, that I was bored with the food in my fridge and I had been on stuck on the phone all day to annoying idiots. I know these are not excuses, but I need to know what triggers me. Put out the fire while its smoldering not when its red hot flames.

Speaking of phone calls, I still are not any closer to being given a date, I rang the booking office (yes one of the phone calls on 'B' day (binge day) Every time I ring them I get someone different with conflicting information. This time I was told I would need to go on the optifast diet for 3 weeks prior to surgery and to not go on it till I was told. Ok that one threw me, how can my surgery be in April if I'm on the diet for 3 weeks prior that takes me to May already. Last time I was told I would be called up to come down the following day to see the anesthetist and that the surgery would be a week later!!!! First time I was told I would get a letter for what day to come into surgery. Ok now that is 3 THREE conflicting stories. I know in about 2 months ' hopefully after the surgery' I will look back on this waiting and think why did I let this get to me. But I am letting it get to me and its frustrating. I'm not very spiritual person but I have even been praying this week. I always feel selfish for praying for things for myself, but I feel so desperate.

OK on a completely different note, school holidays finish soon. One more sleep...woohooo. Sometimes I just think 2 weeks is just too long, they get a little bored towards the end. Noticed this when Happy Feet 2 was put on for the 3rd time lol. Fingers crossed Miss 16 year old attends school this term, been having a lot of issues with so many excuses. (had a lot of bullying issues 2 years ago and has hated school since) If senior school started around noon and went till dinner time we would be fine. Missy is just not a morning person. I have to get myself back into a decent sleep pattern too. No more staying up reading and writing blogs till 3am in the morning. I need to do a list of habits I have broken the last few years and those I still need to break. Ok whole other blog there too will call that one 'Addictions"' when I get some more spare time.

Binge Demon v. Me

Ever been doing so well but you trip up at the finish line(end of the week in this scenario ). I have just concluded a 28 hour binge session. This included pizza, nacho's, milkshakes, biscuits, toast with butter(my arch enemy), cheezels, jelly beans and crunchies. I have my shame hat on. :(
Was I hungry? I doubt it, my lack of decent fluid intake would have confused my inner workings that I was. the fact that after I stuffed the seventh piece of pizza in my mouth and then spewed up half of it as my stomach was so full should have been a sign. Would you belief an hour later I ate the last piece of pizza in the box as I couldn't bare to throw it out and it wasn't worth saving in the fridge. I tried to justify my actions by the fact it was a healthy-ish pizza with feta cheese and real tomatoes. But who am I kidding 1245 Calories for that whole pizza, and it didn't stop there.
Do I feel sick and ashamed now... YES... Did I make up 100 lame excuses in my mind why it happened ... YES. Do I need to reflect on why I let myself down?.... Ok I paused on this one (good 10 minutes with writers block here) I think the answer to this one is I need to allow myself to reflect on the why's but in the same turn move on and don't let falling flat on my face allow me back into the hole I crawled out of. Binge demon be gone...........

Been reading a wonderful, heartfelt and eye opening blog about one women's weight loss journey. It's amazing how we can see ourselves in other peoples stories.  Every  time I read a blog (been reading a month a night) I think oh I so want to blog about that myself. Then now as I sit down and finally work on my blog I forget most of these wonderful conversations I was going to have..... o.0

Week on week off

I do week on week off with four of my kids (the eldest just floats between her father and I). I say this to explain my weight loss pattern. Last weigh in was 5kg (no kids home). The week just gone only 600 gram loss and I think that was only because my IBS was playing up on the weekend. I know it was school holidays and a chocolate rabbit was consumed!  Take out three times this week, pizza, kebabs and fish and chips. I suppose the first step in any battle is knowing where you went wrong.  But anyway back on track today.

Went out last night with a wonderful group of friends. Pub that I used to hang out regularly at before I started loosing my self confidence and when I could drink like a fish. they organise a festival in the street every Easter. So heaps of bands, great weather and great company. Managed to stay out past midnight, haven't done that trick in 6 months. (used to party till 3am).  Even was getting a bit of the opposite sex attraction, not that I was interested which brings me to my next subject.
I am single, I choose to be single at this point in my life. I actually do see a guy casually (he lives in a town 3 hours away). We catch up about once a month and chat on the phone a couple of times a week. But I have this brick wall that won't allow anyone into my heart at the moment. Why you may ask..... Because I have realised I have to love myself before I let anyone else into my heart. My friends are always saying, "oh he was a nice guy chatting you up, why did you give him the cold shoulder?" Because how can I love  anyone if I don't care about myself. If I look in the mirror and all those comments about "you are so pretty if only you where thin." flood my mind. I even had one friend comment last night, after your op, you are going to be bombarded with men asking me out. Why should being 50 kg lighter make a difference. society you suck......
Anyway, rant over. I think what I'm trying to say is I need to get my head in the right place. I am not loosing weight to find love with anyone. i am loosing weight to help me love myself again. I'm angry at myself for getting so big, so unfit so unhealthy. Until I can reverse the self loath thoughts then my heart is closed.

Talking tummy

Can't get over how quick I get full, and I haven't even had the surgery. Just dieting my food intake decreased over the last week and a half. Just had a buttered Chicken from the 'Emily kitchen Range' was yum, but so filling. Most likely as I haven't had much carbs and the rice has really filled me up. Friend said today, "Oh you should just keep this up, you could cancel the surgery"!!! Only been friends for a couple of years, so she has never seen my major yo-yo's. As great this is going at the moment, what will eventually happen is I would get 'comfortable', something in life will bring me down and I'd use that an excuse to become a couch potato again stuffing my face. End up heavier than the time before.

Didn't get to finish my blog last night, little one came in and fell asleep on my bed. When I say little he is 9, but he youngest out of 5. Also Autistic with ADHD, so would love to get fit again to keep up with him.

Wow if you guys could hear my tummy talking right now, had a reasonably big dinner. Roast chicken, home made potato salad, pasta salad and tossed salad. It's 4 hours later and I am still feeling so full. It must be all the pasta and potato. (yes I did use homemade healthy dressings on them all) I have to confess I did eat half a bunny too, brought all the kids an Easter treat as they will be at their dad's. A 175gram (think that's about 6 ounces for my US friends) bunny each. Yes I grabbed one for myself and ate half already. Paying for it now, feeling yuck. But just did my blood sugar and it's at 5.6 so that's good. haven't eaten anything sweet for weeks so think it was a bit of a shock to the system. Not a big chocolate fan anyway. If I'm going to lash out on chocolate I usually like some expensive exotic dark chocolate.
Someone once asked, if you don't eat sweets how did you get so big. Well with cheeses, dips and fried food of course o.0

Still didn't get that exercise done, Lawns are still hairy. I did walk around k-mart for an hour, but that was stopping and starting leaning against the trolley. hurt my back again. This time just picking up a spoon of the kitchen floor!!! Not sure if its the Osteo in my hips or I have actually pulled something. This pain has been on and off since I had the colonoscopy. Could be fine for days then just a simple action like picking up a spoon and its back to deep heat, hot packs and pain killers. Didn't help I shared a bed with the octopus last night, boney knees in my back, legs draped across my body, he even manage to face slap me one stage there.

I think one of the most rewarding things from this journey will be the health benefits as the kilos come off. Just simple things like shopping today will be easier. The pain dropping away with the weight. Not having to take meds everyday, no sleep apnia (not that I use the blasted machine anyhow). No arthritis, no diabetes.

Still no phone call from the hospital, was tempted to ring again today to see if there was a date. But had the last conversation in the back of my head " we will ring you as soon as a dates been set" and "If the Doctor said April it will definitely be April". So thought better of it, plus with Easter holidays. Plus one of my boys broke his wrist yesterday, so with eldest having  perforated  ear drums and then that, my mind has been blahh.

I'll just have one.....

Oh famous last words, but the smell was mmmmm and it all happened before I could put a conscious to my actions. Ordered the kids pizza tonight, was a few pieces left over so I thought one small piece wouldn't hurt. 2 pieces of pizza and 2 pieces of garlic bread later o.0
Not really getting to stressed about it. I hadn't had dinner and all I had eaten all day was optifast drink and bar, plus some grapes and an orange. Day 9 on my diet and didn't realise how much my tummy must have shrunk already. I was full after my little feast. I have been known to gobble a whole pizza! I'm quiet confident I will not have any trouble with my week of only liquid before the op.

Been busy today cleaning my floordrobe, created by those moments when you are going out and nothing fits. Hanging it all back up, thinking about the journey ahead and how I am looking forward to wearing some of these clothes again. This time as I grow out of them I will give them away because they are too big, not because they are too small. I have not allowed myself the luxury of any new clothes since January. So the size 26 and 28's I have been wearing are ready for the trash can not the op-shop.

Other than housework, have not got out and done any exercise again, none at home either. If it doesn't rain tomorrow I was thinking I might mow the lawns, now that would have to be a calorie burner. also want to get the front garden cleaned up a bit.

Oh have to check out for sure how long till I'm allowed to drive after the sleeve. I'm thinking the doctor said 6 weeks (like when you have a c-section). That was back in January so memory is a bit hazy. Just kids play weekend sports so this is going to be fun organising lifts if I can't drive for awhile.
Oh found another motivational poster I like:

Ok I just jinxed myself it just started to rain hahaha. Always the way.