4 days to go.

Well definitely know why I need the surgery. Can't even stay true to a diet for a few weeks. Only had a small cheat but angry at myself. Made the kids chicken with roast spuds. couldn't help myself, stuck a yummy oily roasted spud in my mouth. I know it wasn't a big cheat. But still annoyed that I did it. It tasted so yum too. I should be cooking the kids foods I hate this week. Not favourites lol.

Funny the optifast is starting to taste really salty. Wonder if this has happened to anyone else. Must remember to ask on a forum. Seems not only is my sense of smell becoming acute, so is my sense of taste.

Photo's, smells and kids

I did some Before (for the future before/after photos). I really don't realise how big I am. I have always been big since high school, but now I'm super obese and my mind still thinks otherwise until I see photo's.  Anyway no one will be seeing the before photos, wore light coloured tan leggings and a white thermal top and they where very fitted showing each bump and lump. Will be saved away till I at least drop 40 kilo's. Though I plan to do photo's every 10 kg I drop. which reminds me I need to do the next lot soon as I am only 500 grams away from 10 kg down from my heaviest ever weight. (recorded back in June).

Today I saw a friend I hadn't seen in a few months, she asked if I'd lost weight. She didn't know my surgery was coming up but knew I was having it. She is on a waiting list for a band. I told her to see about the sleeve as it has a way lower fail rate. (my sisters had the band and really I can't see great results). Maybe when I start loosing more weight she might consider it.

Watching the Olympics, wondering how great would it be to be that fit. Just watched the woman's triathlon. Aussie girl came 3rd. Thinking wouldn't it be great (maybe not a triathlon). To be able to go in a marathon race, not wanting to win just to finish. Who knows what the future might bring. It's been looking brighter already lately.

They where having a sausage sizzle at the netball today, it smelt so good. I'm learning to appreciate the smells that I can't eat. At least I can let food enjoy my other senses. Did do a bit of a no no tonight, but thought I have been so good and it was a minor infraction I will not punish myself about it. I made hamburgers for the kids for dinner. My salad of carrot, lettuce, tomato and capsicum was looking very bland. I tipped in the left over fried onion (yes dripping in oil). But it made my very bland salad taste slightly better and I hadn't put any dressing on the salad prior.

My teenagers are fighting and stressing me out. I'm really worried about after the operation that this won't be good for me. Specially the moments I actually have to break them up when fighting. I asked their father if he would take the twins (13) for an extra week after my operation and he is thinking about it (which in the past his thinking about it is usually a no unless he can get something out of it.)




Well 5 Days, 13 hours and 30 minutes left on my count down ticker. (that's my check in at the hospital time). Still got heaps to do. Biggest fear is the kitchen reno's 2 weeks after my operation and I need to pack up and move as many heavy items as I won't be able to lift for a bit afterwards. trying to organise lift for kids to their sporting events for when I can't drive for a couple of weeks after. Just need to get paperwork organised for the woman that is taking over my secretary role for the housing group that we self manage, for couple weeks (all the meetings fall the week after my surgery).  Also really need to clean up my bedroom as I have a floordrobe happening and want to be able to walk around my bed without tripping over.
So much to do, why am I mucking around on my computer lol

Smells, Taste and Wind

OMG OMG OMG. It's funny been waiting since 2006 (longer than most as I had to put my name back on waiting list, as all the crap that was happening in my life at the time). after all that waiting, it just seems unreal that it's nearly here. The start of my forever journey. The kick up the arse I have been needing for so long. I know it will be not easy road, one of the hardest things will be not using food to deal with the shit in my life. One of the reasons I got to this size, so with my crutch gone, and my safety net shrinking (my fat is my safety net from the world) Will have a lot of ups and downs. Thank God (or whoever is watching over me) I have wonderful friends x

I weighed myself this morning, so far since my pre-admission weight, I have lost 7.5kg,(16.5 pounds) put on my jeans this morning and the thighs are baggy. My daughter who never notices anything actually commented while we where shopping today that she could tell. (Shame the weight loss hasn't come with added energy still needed to sit down a few times while shopping)
Then this afternoon was explaining to one of my boys how much I have lost and to show him I went and grabbed flour and cake mixes and milo tins till he had 7.5kg in his hands. You don't realise how much it is until you are actually holding it. 

While at the shopping centre with my daughter we had to walk through the food court. It's funny when you haven't eaten solid food for a week now your other senses kick in. The smell of fried food nearly made me dry reach. But when walking past Subway the smell of the salad and fresh bread. Well it set my taste buds going.

I have so much wind and my stomach is forever rumbling, not so much hunger rumble, but a protest of stomach acids as there is nothing for them to break down. Would fill up more if I was a big veggie eater. Realised most of my favourite vegetables where starchy ones :(  Even brought some salad, as I enjoy salad, but it was just so bland with no cheese or meat or not having it with bread.
Oh how bad am I (not in a break the diet kinda way, but in a feral licking like a dog way) just made the kids tandoori chicken with rice and after I broke up the chicken licked my fingers like I would never eat again. Proud I didn't just grab a chunk and chuck it in my mouth. I am enjoy the aroma of it, got to taste the sauce, now my kids are enjoying gobbling it up lol.

TUBS x

Friend with Benefits

I have been seeing someone a few times this year under the title of "friends with Benefits" but I really know what this title is. It really means "I will sleep with you, but I don't want to be seen in public with your fat ugly body". How do I know this, well the guy I had the benefits with had that title as he was from 'out of town' about hour and half away and honestly with both of us with kids there was no future for a long time. But he informed me yesterday that he can no longer sleep with me as he now has a girlfriend. I accepted this as I said we lived to far apart. But he continued to inform me where she lived. She is 3 hours away from him (we where hour and half).
He was a friend (since we where teenagers) first and I now wish I had left it at that. He is coming over to do maintenance on my property (I got him the job, another regret) tomorrow. So have decided I'm going shopping. Leave him here with the list of things that need fixing.
In a way I am relieved he got a girlfriend as if I have to be honest with myself I settled. Meaning that I haven't had myself on the 'market' and when someone showed a little bit of interest to me sexually, I jumped at the chance. If he was in my life full time, well he just wouldn't be. He is a 'poor me' soul and I wouldn't put up with his bitching about the ex wife and custody crap (he has been separated 16 months) full time. Once a week on the phone was enough.
Anyway, next week is the start of my new life and going into that new life free of ties is the best. I know as soon as the weight falls off him and others will be sniffing around, and sweeties....you didn't want me at my worst so you are not having me at my best!!!