Hating myself

 I self sabotage.

Coke, chocolate, beer, unhealthy take out.

Each time the scales creep back up to those numbers I hated myself for. All my hard work for naught. Now as the years tick by its harder to budge, I have injuries where I find it's hard to exercise and I find I use this an an excuse. 

Eating myself to an early grave, to make matters worse my unhealthy diet has caused major teeth deterioration. 

I want to make myself accountable and to do that I know what I must do.

I need to set aside time every day to record my intake, I need to blog a few times a week.

I need to bloody stop putting shit in my mouth.

It starts now, this minute. 

No more coke, no more beer. Chocolate, biscuits and treats in moderation not in my regular meal plan.

I will record every little thing I put in my gob.

If I can't find a calorie count for it, the closest highest count will be entered. I will endeavour to find the best intake for my day for my age and size. I'm going to kick start this and kick start my butt. 

I want to loose 25kg in 21 weeks. By the new year I want to be back in a size 16. Not squeezing into 20's.

Now have class in the morning, couldn't sleep but once I start work on my weight, then hopefully issues like sleep and health fall into line. I'm going to do this. Done it before, going to do it again. My tool this time is my mindset. Positive thinking brings positive outcomes.

Long time no see.

Wow, started reading some of this, thought I'd lost this blog ages ago and found it again. So now I'm going to use it to be accountable for my own journey again. I got all the way down to 88 kg for a whole week. Yes I was sick lol. Pretty much established between 92 and 98. Up and down 6 kg over a few months.
Had a tummy tuck. Back in 2014. Not sure if I blogged about it, was going through a roller coaster relationship which never really helped much.
Met a wonderful man in October 2016. I'd quit smoking back in August 2016 also, and wasn't doing a great amount of exercise... mmmm so guessing where this is going, being comfortable, comfort eating not exercising. Came on what I considered slowly over 2 years, but if ended up 30kg heavier to what I stabilized at.
Why. Lollies, take away, tummy holding more, and the main offenders coke  and beer.
So going from a size 12 to 14 all the way back up to a 18 to 20. Back to  the fatty clothes shops. Back to puffing when walking any distances, back to injuring my ankle recently as my weight would be a major contributing factor. Back to being lazy in general. Lifts instead of stairs, driving instead of walking.

Well here I am again opening myself up to be accountable for my body.

I have rejoined a gym to start in a few weeks.
I am making a conscious decision no more soft drink (beer will come second, one thing at a time). Plus I think the litre of coke a day is doing way more damage than  anything else at the moment.
Plus in the next few weeks, I want to do optifast for a week to help shrink my sleeve and give me a kick start.

ACCOUNTABLE

Just posted this on Gastric Sleeve 150kg plus facebook page, thought I should share here too:
So angry at myself for making excuses, sat down last night and had a good hard look at what I have been doing. I have gained 5.7 kg in 4 months.
The old excuses are coming back into play, 'oh I quit smoking' 'oh it's muscle from exercising' 'it's being in a relationship again', I have got comfortable as I'm having my TT and will have kg of skin removal'
The truth is..... I PUT IT IN MY MOUTH, I EAT IT, Seriously no more excuses. Having my Tummy Tuck in 5 weeks. My treat for no longer being obese and getting to a overweight BMI was my tummy tuck. But have allowed my BMI to creep back up to 31.5 (was 29.7)
I have 5 weeks to make myself accountable. No more old me sneaking back into play. She was scratching, seriously downed a whole meat pie yesterday even though I felt so sick after. Giving myself a good talking too and holding myself accountable for every calorie put between my lips............ Or seriously this has been a waste of time if fat me is allowed to escape.............
So now to add to my thoughts:
Only managing to get to the gym about once a week, twice if I'm lucky. Still havent got my treadmill fixed. Have exercise equipment laying around the house gathering dust. Even not energetic in getting much housework done just the bare essentials (considering I have a house inspection coming up better pull my finger out on that one). Seriously my diet is crap. Way to many carbs, craving sugar constantly. So going back to basics.
Had opti for breaky, just had a bit of cheese on crackers for a snack. Going to cook up some ribs for lunch.
I do know where the calories are coming from. I'm drinking too much calories (jim beam cans are shockers at 265 calories a can, and i'm having one or 2 a night, one night there I downed 9 of the suckers. )
Munching on chips, ice creams and chocolate constantly. The old habit of going shopping and grabbing the treats as I walk out. I'm having way to much bread, rice,  pasta meals.
So 5 weeks till my Tummy tuck. Back on track time. Keep my calories on the 1200 mark. Not going to stress about exercise, specially since I seem starving after I exercise at the gym. So going to concentrate on calories first. Will be cancelling gym membership soon anyway as won't be able to exercise after TT, plus have a massive busy few weeks ahead of me with volunteer work. So after this week after I get my hand to mouth problem worked out. Will make sure I add a half hour minimum routine of exercise in at home.

Ok accountability actions:
1. Calorie counter to be used every day.
2. Weight only to be taken and recorded on Sunday. (jumping on scales during the week can have a few problems. Depression when not moving, over confidence when they have moved and thinking I can have that one bit more. Plus so much fluctuation in the week, it's a waste of time.. )
3. Hide the scales
4. Allow cordial as I am drinking more water, but no soft drink, milk drinks, only 1 juice a day.
5. No Bread, rice or pasta. Dry crackers allowed
6. Protein foods are all allowed including cheese.
7. If craving sweets only lollies that have to be sucked (hard boiled), no chocolate, chips or chewy lollies that slide down.
8. Fix treadmill
9. Blog at least every second day. Need to find myself accountable even if I slip I need to be truthful about it.


ok I'm sure I will add to this list as I remember.
ok Determined to loose 6.7kg in 5 weeks. Wish me luck...............

Bad Me

Written a month ago, forgot was in my drafts:

:I don't feel depressed. But I'm eating junk, biting my nails again. Smoking more, drinking a bit more on weekends than I usually do and not sleeping well.
If anything I would just say I'm "out of sorts". Insecurities creeping back into my life, relationship problems that I convince myself and friends that it isn't affecting me but deep down I think they are.
I'm eating chocolate, chips and drinking soft drink. Just today I had one crunchie, 2 snack size salt and vinegar chips and 2 cans of coke. Old dark nasty habits creeping back into my life. I keep saying to myself back on track tomorrow, but then start the ugly pattern again. So blogging my eating habits and emotions might give me the slap in the face that I need.

OLD HABITS

Seriously what is wrong with me. Old habits roughly the same weight now for 5 months, hovering up and down about 3 kg. ( 91 and 94).  All I want to do is crack that magical number. See the scales go into the 80's and stay there.
I am still exercising 3 to 4 times a week, but problem is have increased my volume of food and eating the wrong stuff. Kids school snacks are my worst enemy.
So decided need a kick in the arse. Go back on Opti for a week (even if it's just to replace 2 meals a day and have normal dinner). Also to track my calorie intake. Make myself accountable for each morsel I put into my body.
Ok for example todays Diet:
Banana
Divine Macadamia Bar, chocolate coated
4 x Mini Chicken Kiev Balls
1/4 cup satay chicken and rice
1 pack Salt and vinegar chips (Snack size)
2 pack Doritos ( snack Size)
Cordial, 6 servings
Rush Chocolate Milk 500ml
Le Snack
Half can a bourbon
Oh and daughter had KFC snack box for lunch and I pinched some popcorn chicken and a couple of chips.

Ok, just added all that to "My Fitness Pal" app. 2,106 calories. If I wasn't exercising I would be gaining weight.
Knock off the chips and alcohol, cut back on the chicken balls and my day wouldn't have been to bad.
I find I have been eating way too many carbs again lately. Actually can eat a sandwich now. Not always does it stay down though.

Anyway some serious stuff will have to be happening soon or all this effort will be for nort.

Addictions

Well definitely replaced my food addiction with a Clothing addiction. Can't go shopping in a mall now without coming home with a new outfit. Also loving the op shops now that I can fit into a fair amount of the clothes. Also been going pretty hard with the exercise routine lately and was thinking last night (while I was having trouble getting to sleep) that I think I have replaced sex with exercise. My ex and I where pretty active, nearly daily. Then to go to nothing, needed to realise that energy somewhere. Been to the gym 4 times this week and did a body balance class (thinking it was going to be easy was a big mistake). Was even going to go today to the gym, but morning started off crap with a bad nights sleep,so went shopping instead.

Ok now for the weight loss update...... Still on a very frustrating stall. It goes up and down about 3kg since January. I haven't been recording it as its been to fickle. It ranges from 90.9 to 93.9, but the most constant weight the scales say is 91.9kg. It just doesn't want me to see the 80's (sad face).
Ok now just did my measurements, no weight loss on the scales over a month, but all the exercise must be paying off. In one moth have lost another cm of waist and tummy. The big surprise is my wings are still even shrinking 1cm off my left arm and 2cm off my right arm. Boobs are the same (can't afford to loose any more there lol) another cm off my wrists and ankles. But the question mark is my thighs are up a cm.But I'm guessing that's the muscle. Or incorrect measurement last month. But glad I just did that as for when the scales aren't moving the body is still reshaping. Also the fact is I now haven't had a period for over 5 weeks so wondering how much extra fluid I'm retaining.  No I'm not pregnant, already checked out that possibility and boy was I in a panic lol.
Still having some bad eating days and know I'm not eating enough fruit and veggies. But take my vitamins every day and have started to take a fibre vitamin now too, I feel it is working to a degree. My number 2's where all over the shop. But now they seem to be every second day and no bad constipation or diarrhoea (except after a night on the grog).
Go through bad chocolate days, they like come in waves.Might have a craving for a few days (in which I have been giving into) then can't stomach the stuff for about a week. I've switched over to diet cordial from normal cordial thinking that might be an issue (though I have had normal cordial all through my journey).
I've changed around my eating habits and times. But nothing wants to budge.
So I'm just going to stick with what I'm doing, though down the track I might do another pouch test and see if that shakes up my system at all.

Oh I posted this update on gastric sleeve site so thought I'd put it here too about loose skin:
Ok for those worried about excess skin. (Specially after watching the what goes wrong plastic surgery show on prime tonight) Specially after huge weight loss. My answer is EXERCISE while loosing. Going to put up my nearest to being nude lol and one taken a few weeks ago.
I have lost 86kg. I have 6kg more to go to my personal goal I am planning on a tummy tuck and thigh plastic surgery after I budge the last 6kg.
I am 44 for those wondering if age is a factor, I also have had 5 kids, twins in that equation.
This is to give you an idea of loose skin (but we are all different) but I do belief I'm not as bad as I could be because I have exercised for a fair bit of my journey. (20 months out)

 First photo About June 2012 


Second Photo February 2014











Oh also posted this on my Facebook wall and Gastric sleeve site: For the last 3 years. My friends and I have gone out to lunch on Labor Day. Thought I'd do a comparison shot.

Ok always more things going through my crazy head. Want to actually sit down and type up my food and exercise for a whole week to check over what I'm doing wrong (pinching bits and pieces of food here and there doesn't help, specially when I think 'oh its only a tiny bit don't bother recording it' but it all adds up). Really need to budge this stall. 

About to have a night on the grog isn't going to help lol. Oh well at least it's not going up. Better to maintain than slide back into a slow rise.

My first 2014 BLOG

Wow, I got lazy on this blog, just like I have been lazy this week with my food choices and exercise.
Ok update on weight. Got down to 91.9 on February 23rd 2014. Stalls are lasting way longer now. I weighed this morning at 93. So have had a gain grrrr. But refuse to enter it into my weight loss chart (it's a mind game thing with me and the app I am using to record my weight. Because if I defeat that I put on over a kg then I am back into obesity and not just overweight. Plus weigh in day is Friday!!!)
Thinking I should be recording my weight monthly now not weekly since it's now at a crawl.  Another set back was when I rejoined the gym they recorded my height at 174cm. OMG I am finally shrinking, I know it happens with age but once again to change the height on my App will change my BMI. So just not winning at the moment.
Anyway, A lot has happened in my life lately. Had a big fight with my ex husbands family,then early in the new year I broke up with my partner of 1 year. That's when i broke my last stall, didn't really eat much for a week or 2. Now what's going on. well started to see someone, but it's not going crash hot at the moment. Really like him but doesn't even seem to have time to pick up a phone and text hello. So still officially single, but behaving.
Getting heaps of male attention which is a bit scary. Been going out more now I'm single and seem to get hit on 'a lot' . Sometimes I get angry about it as I think why didn't these men hit on me when I was big. But the realisation is I didn't like to look at me when I was huge, why would any man. In a few mind sets about that one.
Rejoined the YMCA and have done water aerobics and a body combat class. Even pushed myself to do 20 laps (1km) swim the other week. Plus been to the gym twice. Also done a few Core boxing classes, they are fun but exhausting. Been trying to keep my calories under 1200, but averaging about 1,500 to 1,700 a day. Yes seem to be able to fit way more in and making bad food choices.
So this is why I think I hunted down this blog to update, makes me accountable for my actions and choices.
Haven't exercised since last Friday and was feeling really guilty for it, but was feeling off colour and decided to go to the doctor's today. Have an ear and sinus infection. Explained a lot, dizzy, no balance or coordination, headaches, sleeping heaps and just feeling unwell. So took the edge off the no exercise guilt trip. Nothing can be excused for bad food choices though.
Oh had my appointment at the hospital to go on the Public waiting list for a tummy tuck. But been told its a LONGGGgggg wait. Might have to save the pennies still as the loose skin is very depressing.
Well will finish up with some updated photo's. If I don't Post I forget about it and it sits there for a couple of months. Going to try to keep it more up to date.

Same bikini top January 2012 to January 2014

Gym gear brought, ready to kick start me back into exercise. In a boxing stance lol January 2014

26th Nov 2013.

Wow, writing a second blog in the same month. Quick take my temperature. Well stall is still slowly moving. Down to 96.5. Only 4.5 kg till I am no longer obese. I would say I can taste it, but on a weight loss blog that doesn't sound appropriate lol
Been having a roller coaster of emotions lately. Something that I used to fix with food. Even though I still am trying to fix it with food, my body says "NO". I can still kinda pig out. Like today I have downed a chocolate bar and 2 small packs of cheezels, but now I am sitting here wondering if I am going to throw up......
My emotions are not really related to weight, more family, money and relationship issues. plus the fact I haven't been getting the best quality sleep lately. Been having anxiety attacks, had to catch a train the other day and nearly had a freak out.
Went to a wedding 2 weeks ago and brought myself a new dress.Size 16. Felt like a million dollars. Now I wish every formal occasion that was in the last 20 years can be reinacted so i can be a size 16 not a blob in all the photos.

My sister gave me some clothes the other day.Size 14 skirt and 12 cardigan and they both fit. Also some size 16 jeans, that where too tight on her.

UPDATE

Well it just took me a good 10 minutes to work out how to find my blog to update,has it been that long since I used it lol
Ok so where are we up too. Yes the seatbelt on the plane fit with room to spare. Sunbaked and swam on my holiday without a care. Still chubby but no longer a blob. Even went snorkelling and fit into a stinger suit. Not even there biggest size.
I now wear a size 16. Considering size 26 where getting too tight I am slightly proud of myself. Some of my clothes are still size 18 but that's just different makes and styles. Some times I go into a department store and find myself heading for the plus size and then realise they are all way to big. Even my shoe size has shrunk.
I go through hate myself moments when I look at myself naked and see the loose skin. But considering how much I have lost the skin isn't too bad.
Finally hit my goal of double digits, then hovered around it for way too long. Scales are finally moving downward again but really really slowly (throw in a few more really's there lol) But I haven't been the healthiest eater of late and been doing no exercise at all. So need to get off my arse and make this happen. My next goal is to no longer be obese, but 'just overweight'  so 92kg is my next goal. Sitting on 98.5 at the moment. So 6.5kg

Here is a photo me in a size 16 on my holiday.

The scales vs. Jo

This stall is so frustrating. Like the scales are sticking it's tongue out at me every time singing 'neh neh' I go from 100.4 to 102 back and forward. Never reaching those double digits. Been sick all week, not eating much at all but nope, still not giving me that magical number. This stall is roughly on a month now. I know some people have longer stalls, but the frustration that the weight loss slowed down over the last few months and now just stopped.  Plus I want too see those double digits soooooo baddddd.
Maybe I'm more sooky about it as I'm sick this week, considering how much mucus is being expelled from my body you would think....grrrr
I go on my cruise on my birthday. Fly up to Brisbane. One night in Brisbane then 7 nights on the Pacific Dawn P & O cruise. Up the coast of Queensland and back. Going with 5 friends. Was hoping to be lighter for it but since this stall has reared its ugliness not holding my breath. I'm curious to know if the air plane seatbelt will fit without an extension strap. It was one of my goals. We are flying with Tiger Airways and I have heard they have smaller seats. My dream was to get to 92kg by the cruise. But I cannot see 9 kg melting away in 21 days...sigh
Brought some material to make some sarongs. My body may have shrunk in size but when I strip off its all just hanging there. The worst will be to show of my thighs. All this loose skin. Makes me sick let alone anyone else that happens to glance at it. I hate it more than my stomach. People have stomachs, beer pots and loose skin from kids. But my thighs are hideous.
Been putting off buying bathers to see if I can get any more weight off. My old ones fit but a bit baggy. Might try to buy a new pair before I go but not much in the shops at the moment.
Well have my boys back this weekend and god forbid one of them knows where the kitchen sink is or the washing machine. So better get some mum duties done. Now selling Avon too, I let myself get roped into it. But been to crook to get around and give out books. Plan to drop some off this weekend.

BAD HABITS

Well hello long lost blog. Long time no journal. I hit my one year mark since my sleeve just under 2 weeks ago. Total weight loss now stands at 76kg. I have lost my 'ultimate' goal weight. I say ultimate as I could never see myself ever being that weight. But as I get closer my dream is slowly turning into a reality.
I am only 3 kg off my original goal. To be the weight I got down too just before my wedding back in 1990. But I keep sabotaging myself with old bad habits and have currently been stuck at the weight I am for weeks now. In over a month I have only lost just under 2 kg. Bit of a change from the 1 to 1.5 kg falling off each week. Where am I going wrong! let me tell you.
Ok just today I had 10 squares of Chocolate, a chocolate milk, some dip, cheese, kabana and crackers, 2 small packs of twisties and a bowl of icecream with chocolate ice magic......  The only thing healthy I ate was a banana for breakfast. I have been trying to psychoanalysis my behaviour. Other than I have a really bad head cold and my kids are making me upset and sad I have no excuses.
The surgeon always said I would never be skinny though I have surpassed his original goal for me by 10kg. I forget this surgery is a tool and not the full answer. Ok fair enough I can't pig out like I used too. I mean before surgery the scoop of icecream would have been about 3 or 4 and half a bottle of the chocolate topping. The 10 squares of chocolate would have been the whole block and the 2 x 27 gram packets of twisties would have been a 150 gram bag. But all that sugar and useless calories :(  Decided to just add up the calories for the day. 1,427. That's nearly 500 more than I should be consuming.
Haven't been doing any exercise either. Also been back to smoking nearly a packet a day. Ok I need a good reality check slap.

I lost my mum a couple of months back and my bad eating habits reared their ugly head then. I know that should not be an excuse. I need to be accountable myself for my lack of commitment and discipline.
I am hoping that renewing this journal helps me become accountable. Even though I don't think anyone actually reads it that putting my thoughts and feelings, plus addressing my bad habits that I will wake up and renew where I am on this journey. I want to loose a minimum of 10 more kg by summer.
Anyway I am now looking into plastic surgery being so big for so long has taken a massive toll on my body to areas that should have never been allowed to stretch. I am now in a size 16 to 18. But have loose skin on my arms, thighs, neck, bum and overhang on my tummy. I am once again on the public waiting list for a tummy tuck. My appointment is in November. But that will only be my tummy. Been considering going over to Thailand to one of these plastic surgery holidays. Getting the works done.
Think I'm just a bit down as I'm sick at the moment and had a very roller coaster last few months.
Would you belief after loosing all this weight I actually sometimes feel fatter and hate my body more than I did than I was at my biggest. I have to look at my before and after photos I have created to put some prospective to it all.


I no longer have to shop in larger woman's
 clothing sections or stores. My feet have shrunk to fit back into normal shoes. I can now buy nicer bra's and undies not granny stuff. I can walk around without huffing and puffing. Get up and dance with my friends. Wear heels again.
I really must keep reminding myself of where I have come from to I can refocus on where I am going.
Here are some progress photos. Just put them up for myself for that extra slap in the face.
Bottom photo was At my biggest in July 2012 and my 12 month sleeve anniversary photo shoot taken about 12th August 2013.



Oh found this draft for May, thought I'd just tag it on as not surehow to put in place with dates etc.
MAY 2013
Now for my weight lose, it's now starting to slow down quite a bit, I'm not sure if it's because of bad eating habits. Not over eating, but just the wrong things. Or if it's because I have started drinking a bit more. Or I did start exercising a fair bit so could have been building muscle. Or could just be a plateau that I have hit at 7 - 8 months.
Still 16kg off my original goal, but want to get lower than that now. want to try to get at least 10 more kilo's off when I hit my first goal

LONG OVERDUE UPDATE

Well hello lost and lonely page. It's been so long since I last seen you. It must because now I have dropped so much weight I actually have a life lol
Yes people I am much happier person. I'm now 49.5kg down. Now 30 kg from my personal goal. Still a way to go but to be more than half way is a brilliant achievement.
I'm fitter, healthier and definitely happier. I have a man in my life (only early days but it's looking good)
I "FEEL" fat every now and then (I still am by most peoples standards) But I am now down into a weight I haven't seen since my early 20's. Been buying new clothes, cleaning out my old 'fat' clothes. I had to go through my underwear draw the other week as I was on my treadmill and my knickers ended falling down to my knees lol. Plus none of old bra's fit. Only thing that I still wear from last year are my t-shirts/tops and dresses.
I am now in a size 20 down from a 28 (I say 28 as my 26 where too tight and I was having trouble buying things in larger size clothes shops, so realistically I was bigger than a 26). My weight is still falling off at a regular rate of about 1 to 1.5 kg a week. But I am having a lot of trouble with my diet, not it being bad, more the fact that I can't eat much still. A LOT of things make me sick.Can't remember the last time I actually sat down to a bowl of vegetables. I more concentrate on getting in protein wherever I can. So try to keep my cheese and milk consumption up as it's hard to eat meat still. I still occasionally have some 'bad' moments where I pig out on twisties or cheezels. But trying to keep these pig outs restricted to once a week only.
My poor treadmill gets neglected a bit. Only using it about 2 times a week for about half an hour. But it's summer and I have been getting out a bit  more, will take stairs instead of lifts that type of exercise. I used to drive around a shopping centre car park till I got a spot right near the door, now I will park anywhere. I love shopping now.
Oh oh some more exciting news. I have been wearing high heels again. Ok I'm not at the stilleto stage, but can wear a good inch thick heel.
I love to go out dancing with my friends, some nights I spend most of the night on the dance floor. I have so much more confidence now. I am also enjoying the male attention. Which takes me to my new man....
He is actually a family friend of my ex's family. We actually hooked up (yes a one night stand) back in 2007. Renewed that 'hook up' just after Christmas and been seeing him still. We haven't had that "exclusive, boyfriend/girlfriend" talk yet but I really like him and hoping there is a future. Yearly days, the giddy, happy stuff lol. Even if it fizzled it has been a few years since I have let myself open up to someone so will keep you all informed.
Anyway promised myself I would finish cleaning my room today so better get cracking.

Photo from 9th January 2013, I'm in the middle from a fancy dress party (good v' evil) with 2 of my best friends. (was actually sick that week and look a bit pale)

Be beautiful people xxx

Addictions, pains and strains

ADDICTIONS
I need to make a confession. The doctor warned me to addictions of cheese and chocolates, things that slide down so you can consume more of. I wasn't worried about the chocolate as I have never been a massive chocolate fan and only really craving sweet food like that for a few days a month. cheese I was worried about. But I have kept it limited and in my calorie range. What I am addicted to is Cheezels. Every day I have one or two snack size packets, I am including the calories in my daily intake. But they are empty calories. But  50 grams of Cheezels a day is so bad. Only 3.6g of Protein and 28g of Carbs.  Thats also 266 Calories (thats just over a quarter of my allowance). But today I gobbled down a whole 110 Gram box. The guilt and shame. But tomorrow is a new day. Plus if its any consolation they did make me feel sick. Plus I still didn't go over my calories today as it was too hot to eat much.

STRAINS

Well so much for my promise to use the treadmill a minimum of 15 minutes a day at least 4 times a week. I did an hour on it last tuesday, also did about 50 steps that day. On the Wednesday I woke and realised I'd pulled a muscle in my calf. So have used that as an excuse all week not to exercise as it's painful. It would probably be good for me to exercise the strained muscle but old habits die hard. Still have my big charity walk for Prem Baby research coming up in November and that is about 5km, at the moment I am no where near that fitness level so need to get back on the horse (or treadmill lol) and work on that fitness level.



PAINS
Well the pain in my calf I just mentioned, I'm also been having some tummy troubles. I get constipated for about 3 to 5 days. Then finally do a very hard painful motion (I refer to this as the plug). Then I will have loose or watery motions for a day or two. Then the cycle will repeat itself. I suppose it makes a difference to the good old IBS I used to have constantly (now its IBS or 2 days of a week) Have a doctors appointment coming up so will discuss what I can do to level myself out. It might be just a simple solution of having psyllium husks. Though they jellify and would fill me up very quickly.


Well it's 32 Kilograms down now. Roughly now working out to be about a kilo a week, with small stalls. (But I know think my bowel movements have a lot to do with my stalls). Still addicted to weighing myself 100 times a week, but now only recording it about once a week. Haven't done my photo's or measurements for a bit. Should try to get them done this week.
Just heard on the news nasty storms in the US, be safe my internet friends xx

RSL and Treadmill

Thursday 11th October 2012

Ok, my body is really starting to scream at me it's not getting enough nutrition. My Restless Leg syndrome (RLS) keeps me up most nights, add that to being so tired already and i am officially a walking zombie. This time last week I was only just telling someone how much more energy I had and today, well you would need a cattle prod to move me.
I don't know if I'm coming down with something, I'm having trouble eating anything. I ache and energy level is an all time low since the surgery. Finally have a doctors appointment tomorrow, hoping after the last blood test that it will show maybe I just need a Vitamin B12 injection again. Or that the RSL is just caused from lack of Magnesium that can be fixed with a supplement.
My weight is hovering around 149 - 150 kg. Hardly moving again, considering my calorie intake is under 1000. The lack of weight loss is annoying. But I can't whinge since it is still on the downward slope.
Everyone seems so highly strung this week. I have managed to offend 2 people on Facebook this week to actually have them delete me. Silly me put my opinion on their statuses, must remember not all people like comments. If I don't like someones comment I just shrug it off. I suppose that's the difference between me and other people. Been a victim of cruelty with my weight so long I grew a thick skin.
Speaking of annoying things and most people struggling with their weight will agree with this one. People's opinions regarding your weight loss. It's amazing when I tell people that I am now (27 kg) down, how they then offer advise on what to eat and do. It's like 'HELLO' I just told you that I have lost all this weight and now you want to tell me what to eat and do!!!! Even today was making general conversation that I had to up my protein, so next thing I'm being told a list of high protein foods. I just hate unsolicited advise. Oh I just read back what I wrote and I think I'm a bit snappy too, must be the weather, or even the start of daylight savings making everyone narky.
Went out both Friday and Saturday nights. Stayed out past 3am too. Funny not drinking or smoking anymore. Watching people get intoxicated as the night goes by can be an amusing past time. People are surprised when I tell them I'm not drinking as i can still act silly when I want too. They had a really good band on Saturday too, and as much as it is annoying to dance in the middle of really drunk people. I still danced for about an hour. Something I hadn't done in years. Doubled the amount of dancing time from last fortnight so hopefully when I go out next go even longer. (mind you my ankle killed the next day, no idea what I did)

15th October 2012

Well fell asleep on that last entry never got it finished. Ok Doctors, no deficiencies. We did talk about how when I go out dancing my legs don't hurt that night so she wanted me to do 10,000 steps a day (I googled it and its about walking for hour and half). There is no way I could leave my kids unsupervised for that long even if they are teens. So broke into my savings and bought a treadmill. So yesterday I did 15 minutes, so far today I have done 10 minutes (but plan to jump back on and do another 10). Kids are all fighting about their turns, novelty will eventually wear off, with them, not me I hope! Specially since it cost me $2000. Has a life time warranty on the motor so thats a good thing. Paid my ex $30 (and 2 vodka cruisers) to pick it up and put it together for me  Was watching him thinking I wouldn't have had a clue so glad he said yes. Plus it took him and my 4 boys to get it in the house, its massive.
Doctor wants to see me again in 3 weeks to check on the meds she gave me for the restless legs and do a full checkup on me.
Have started to vomit a bit more than usual so must get her opinion on that, I might be trying solid food to quick, no matter how much I mush it up. Had some roast chicken that I had shredded tonight and it came back up. Ooh speaking of food, had a breakfast bar for dinner, it was so sweet. My body is definitely not used to sweet foods anymore. I used to love these bars now they are sickly sweet.
also wanted to comment on how people are starting to notice the weight loss. Dentist I only met 4 weeks ago, went back today and she commented on my shrinking frame. Everyone is commenting on how much happier I seem.
Well better get my kids to bed, it's a school night and they are all still on their computers. I have had heaps on my mind to write about lately so will start jotting notes and hopefully next blog will be a whopper.
One of my best friends is due back from America soon, she hasn't seen me since my pre op diet days, can't wait to see the expression on her face :)

26kg DOWN

My daughter took some photo's of me with my boys tonight, I keep looking at them saying WOW. I still have a double chin in the pictures (not a triple). But other than my clothes starting to fall off me, I hadn't really any idea. I still have a long way to go. Well you can say I'm a third of the way with my goal weight. But actually 1/4 from what I have the potential to get too if I put my mind to it. But at the moment my next Goal is to see those scales read under 150kg. It's getting close, jumped on last night and they said 150.7kg, but I didn't record it as decided as I can fluctuate up to 2 kilograms that I will only record once a week. So my last official weigh in was 151.4kg.
It's coming off much slower now, I suppose a lot of that initial weight loss would have been a lot of fluid. Had my stall, so now even the slightest movement is better than none. I really have to get my arse into gear and start exercising more. why I'm getting excited about the 150 mark is it is the maximum weight for the Wii fit and I want to start using that as part of my exercise routine.

 This is what 26kg (57 lb) down looks like.  I look so much more happier too :)

September

Well I finally am no longer classified “Super Obese” and have joined the ranks of ‘Morbidly Obese’.

I actually didn't realise the title of Super Obese existed until told so by a bariatric surgeon earlier in the year. (It is someone who has a BMI of over 50)

So my BMI is now 49, and decreasing J

Went out for the first time in Months last night, had birthday drinks at a friend’s first (well I had Cola Cordial and made it a tiny bit stronger than usual lol) Then we went to our local in town. They have a dance floor and bands playing on Friday and Saturday night. I surprised myself and actually got up and danced for about half an hour. Also stood around, previous visits over the last couple of years were me honing in on the nearest seats and plopping my backside down for the night. I found I was ok standing around, my feet and knees didn't ache.

Now the only problem’s where 1. Now I don’t smoke anymore the beer garden has a roof over it and the cigarette smoke was ‘trapped’. Considering only 2 of us don’t smoke in a group of about 15 friends this is where we hang out. So after an hour I felt an asthma attack looming and I didn't have my inhaler as I haven’t needed it since giving up smoking myself. This also brought on a wicked headache. 2. Drunk sleazy men when I’m sober is a real turn off. If I was tipsy or drunk, I probably would be loving the attention in my shrinking body. But this time of year the place was full of football players having their breakups all over the limit!!! 3. Due to my iron levels being low, I was exhausted by 1am (the place closed at 3am).  So about 1.45, I said my goodbyes. One advantage of not drinking is that I drove there and didn't have to wait around and pay for an expensive taxi ride home.

Considering I never touched a drop of alcohol last night, I had the weirdest dreams. Actually weird is an understatement. It ended very erotically, right at the good bit too lol Now to find the lead character from my dream in real life. Even though he was pure evil shape shifter (as I said really weird dream lol) Usually I like to psycho analyse my weird dreams, I think it’s a Virgo thing J But this dream last night I wouldn't know where to start. Petrol stations,  fields, schools, norty child throwing sandwiches on the floor, evil dogs, tar, court room, empty streets, soldiers behind a fence (in which I climbed over) Evil entity, space vortexes, bathrooms, trying to safe some aunt I’d never met,  class rooms, giant bird/dragon type creature,  Black rooms and sex.  It’s like my head hadn't been allowed to dream for months and decided to throw them all into a mixer together!!!!

Sometimes I think as soon as I wake I should write it all down, many a time I have had a dream that I think would make a great movie (last night’s dream was too jumbled for any script). By not writing my dreams down am I throwing away a great opportunity to become a famous writer!! J

Ok off topic of weird dreams, can you belief my kids and I have used up over 200GB of usage and the month isn't even over. My computer has been slowed down to dial up speed, (so takes 20 minutes for a page to load). So even though I am journaling on the 22^nd September I won’t be able to blog till the 25^th. It is so frustrating, considering I like my daily internet fix.

Well you can tell it’s spring here in Australia, I have a blow fly buzzing around me. Think it might be time to get the screens fixed again to keep out the blow flies.

Some time later.......(26 September)

I went out for my niece’s birthday last Saturday night, first meal out. Ordered the pumpkin soup, managed about half of it. But that’s not why I mention the dinner.  My ex brother in law knows how to ruin my mood.  First he steals my drink, and then he insults me in front of everyone.  First  when I was ordering my meal, he says across the bar, “do you really need that” not even knowing what I ordered. Then again at the table he makes a comment about fat people should eat. Then to top it off he steals my $120 jacket and took off home with it. (I got my daughter to run in and grab it, but will now need dry cleaning). I had to put up with this alcoholic while I was married to his brother, I try not to have anything to do with him now. But it was my nieces birthday dinner so I held my tongue as I could clearly see how ashamed she was of him. Sad thing is his wife and one of his daughters are both very large woman too. I hate to think of the drunken abuse they deal with. He is just a dirty hobo.

Had another dinner on Tuesday, (no ex brother in law insight thank god). This is when I learnt it can be harder than I think to eat out. I go out thinking I will order the soup, I can manage that and be sociable and eat too. The soup was mushroom, I hate mushroom with a passion. The menu was not new tummy friendly at all. I settled for a serving of vegetables, minus any veggies that are hard. So it was mashed mustard potato and pureed cauliflower. My first mistake was it was warm in the restaurant so I ended up having a glass of water before the meal. Second problem not mine, was I was served last (they had forgotten my order) and as we all now know we need minimum half hour for a small meal if not longer. So I only got 3 forkfuls in before I was feeling so uncomfortable. So my plate was sent back barely untouched. Wish I had thought to bring a container from home as my kids would have scoffed it down in seconds as it did taste delicious (I actually added a bit of mustard be sauce to their mashed potato dinner tonight, they loved it.) Lucky for me everyone at the table knew I had had the surgery so no one asked any uncomfortable questions. 

Even later...... (28 September)

Well I’m living on concrete floors at the moment. Was meant to have lino put through the house, but after they ripped it up they informed me the ‘layer’ is off sick so won’t be done for a few days. Not happy considering all the lounge and kitchen furniture is shoved into the boys’ bedroom and hallway.  Lucky it’s school holidays, so I can let them camp out in the empty lounge room for the weekend. I’m getting the floorboard look lino. So until you actually touch it, it looks like floorboards.

Been debating if I should do a YouTube blog, I follow a few who have had the Gastric sleeve. It’s good to find one and watch their shrinking bodies as the months go past. But I have trouble trying to blog once or twice a week. Would I manage to keep up to date with a video blog??!!! Oh well, something for me to dwell on.  

Oh found a great link about the do's and don'ts of Gastric sleevers. http://www.northwestobesitysurgery.com/pdf/sleeve-gastrectomy-diet.pdf  Hopefully the link works.

Well been playing on my computer long enough, better go kick the kids of their computers and make them have some family time :)

NSV's (No Scale Victories)

Lately I have noticed a lot of people have been talking about their NSV's, so I thought since my weight lose over the last 2 weeks has been minimal I would cheer myself up by sharing mine.

Had a bath today, my thighs didn't get stuck on the sides and got out without to much difficulty
Started walking this week, it may only be a distance of 460 Metres (1/4 mile). I did the same walk 3 months ago and had to stop half a dozen times to catch my breath. I can now walk the same route without stopping in half the time.
Brought some Boots about 2 months before my sleeve. Put them on for the first time since my sleeve. they are very loose. Either i have to wear really thick socks or sell them!
All my "fat" clothes had been getting tight (some not fitting any more) over the last few months. Now most of my wardrobe from the last 2 years fits again.
Went to the dentist, looking around for a chair without arms, was none. then surprised myself that I could comfortably sit in a waiting room chair.
My heart rate is back at a safe level.
I started dreading shopping, today I walked all over Target getting a heap of bargains :)
Went to Autograph (16 to 26 shop) I had got to the stage only a selected few of the 26's where fitting. well got into a size 24 pair of jeans with room to spare (did try on 22 but tight over the bum) and brought 2 new tops to go out for my birthday drinks tomorrow night.
I had a birthday Goal to be 25 kg lighter and missed it by 2 kg. But I'm happy it's still coming off even though its now at a crawl. Only 1 kg in 8 days. Have started tracking on 'My Fitness Pal' to get an idea of how many calories I am actually having, it's good as it also measures iron, protein etc all those other things I should be monitoring. I have actually consumed 1400 calories today, that's higher than usual as I pigged into some cashew nuts earlier.
Well with all the birthday's I have had, this is only the 3rd time I haven't had a cake. (usually buy one for myself and the kids) No candle to blow out! But one of my son's taught himself today how to play 'happy birthday' on the Guitar and that recital was better than any fat laden cake :)

Nightmares, Stalls, Heart Rates and Diets

Had the worst nightmare last night, was skinny but had the worst saggy skin ever. My tummy hung down to my thighs and even my knees had all this baggy loose skin hanging off them. I once saw a photo of someone that had extreme weight lose and looked like a melted candle (Picture to left). I know why I had this dream, it was a comment my doctor made over a week ago that is still playing on my mind. We where talking about my weight loss so far, and I made a comment about at this rate I'll be looking hot in a bikini at Christmas (it was a joke). She got all serious and said no I will have to undergo skin removal for that. I know I will most likely have to have my stretched tummy skin removed (knew that after giving birth to the twins that I would never have a flat tummy again). But I have never thought about other skin around the body that's been stretched. I must stay positive and think how healthy I will be after my weight drops off. Loose skin is just going to have to be a forever punishment for letting myself get so ginormous.

Ok now I have shared my nightmare, thought I'd let you all know the scales have slowly started to move again. The stall lasted over a week and was frustrating since I'm a daily weigher. I know I shouldn't but I can't help myself jumping on the scales every morning and evening. I finally got my monthlies (late but guessing the surgery threw out my bodies rhythm) and surprise surprise the scales started to budge again. So I will not be so shocked in a months time if I get another weeks stall.

I really need to get my diet sorted out, need to make an appointment with the dietician. I know I'm not getting as much protein in as I should and probably over eating a few bad things. Cruskits and cream cheese (low fat but still!!!!) are my biggest weakness. I should start a calories journal. I'm also discovering I am having moments when I'm hungry all the time. I'm trying to work out is this feeling just a bit of reflux or thirst. Another thing I need to wean myself off the oxycontin I was put on them for pain when I left the hospital, now I'm depending on them as I am suffering Restless Leg Syndrome really bad and the oxycontin are the only things that allow me to get to sleep. One friend said since I have given up food, soft drink, alcohol and smoking, that maybe my body was trying to swap addictions. I really don't know. All I know is the pain and arghhh how do you explain restless legs, like someone running feathers tickling under your skin. When someone tickles you so much it hurts......  I'm trying to increase my iron intake hoping it is just that causing the RLS.

Have this app on my phone that measures your pulse rate with your finger over the light. I hadn't used it in ages, I used to have a resting heart rate of averaging around 97. Today I used it and my heart rate is 76, back in a safe zone. Good to see another benefit of the weight loss, less stress on my heart.
I was running late for an appointment 2 days ago,and I actually got into a half jog, walk fast mode. 3 months ago I would be puffing just from slow walking. Little things like these moments make me feel like I am achieving something as I can't really see my body decreasing in size.

I keep thinking I'm over eating as I get hungry every few hours and have something to snack on. But I actually looked at what I consumed in one day and it is a fraction of what my old intake was.
Total so far for today, example:
Breakfast: Porridge sachet and 1/2 cup low fat milk
Snack: 125 Gram of no fat yoghurt
Lunch: 4 low fat cruskits with around 100 grams low fat cream cheese (eaten over half hour period)
Snack: Small Banana
Snack: 125 gram sorbet no fat
Dinner: Tablespoon of savoury Mince and 1/2 slice of bread (no crust)

I will probably have one more thing before bed, probably a protein shake as looking at that list I need more in the day. My water intake has been 750 mls, I know I need to increase this. Funny, really thought I'd been pigging out till I actually wrote it all down. I need to sit down and work out the calories. Also need to get the tape measure out and do my body measurements again. But before I do that, I need to put the kids to bed and finish washing uniforms and make school lunches, dishes to do in there somewhere too. Had a really lazy day of watching tv shows on my laptop so my Sunday of rest and relaxation must come to an end.

Epic Adventure Continues

Well where do i start.
PART 1:

Hopped on a train Thursday afternoon (9 Aug) with my daughter, bags packed and head buried in 2nd 'Shades of Grey' book too take my mind off everything. Arrived at my sisters after 2 trains and a taxi about 4.30pm. After a very annoying phone call from the builder who was demanding access to my house as the kitchen was ready to install (bad timing on his part and no warning for me or I would have made arrangements). So gave me something else to worry about other than the operation. Slept reasonably well that night, considering it was on a mattress on the floor and the smell of my sisters cigarettes has impregnated every inch of her house.
they dropped me off at 10.20am at the doors and i found my way up to pre admissions.
this is where you wait with dozen or so other people. They take you into a room and do your obs* (observations, blood pressure, temp, pulse, oxygen saturations, blood sugar). then given a gown, support stockings and dressing gown and told to go down to the disabled toilet to get changed. Then because someone else was in the toilets she told me if I was quick it would be ok to get changed in the small exam room. I asked for a bigger gown and dressing gown, she found a larger gown but no luck with the dressing gown. So with modesty shattered I go back to the cattle collection area and wait again. I had to throw my jacket over my knees as didn't want to scare any other patients to the view I might accidentally flash.
then I was called back up and had to have blood taken, dressing gown was so tight woman had to wrestle me out of it,  I did get her to help me tie my gown ties.  Then back to the cattle yard again.
Finally called a 3rd time, no idea what was going on. Nurse took my bags and put them in a storage room after we decorated them in labels with my details. Then we walked to the lifts and up to the surgical ward. Scottish nurse with a beautiful bed side manner asked me a heap of questions, went through a few details of what was to happen and got me to jump on a bed. Then had anesthetist team chat to me and put in a cannula. Explained due to the nature of the operation also required a cannula in my neck, they will do in theatre and not to be scared when I wake with one there. Also another in my wrist, so this can measure blood pressure.
Was wheeled into the small room before entering theatre where they started attaching more bits and pieces, Surgeon come and said a few words to me and then wheeled into the theatre. They used an hoover bed thingy to move you from the bed to the operating table. Remember looking at the 3 enormous lights that hadn't been turned on, the anesthetist saying something and lights out......

PART 2: ICU

Woke up in recovery, my body was screaming in pain but all I could do was groan. Was thinking, OMG yes I'm alive but in the same thought, this pain is unbearable I wish I was dead. As i drifted in and out of consciousness I noticed the pain was getting more bearable and I was becoming more aware of my surroundings. Then I was wheeled to ICU, I vaguely remember an argument how ICU wasn't ready for me but I couldn't go back to recovery.
Was given a pain button, self administer my pain meds into my drip.Well I locked myself out of that system when I used it too much. I do belief that if I didn't have a woman going off her tree for 6 hours next to me I would have got some sleep and probably wouldn't have needed to push my button. But the crazy lady was crying 'helfen' in like 10 second intervals, changing to the word 'help me' occasionally. They had to restrain her as she tried ripping out her IV. She was screaming that the nurse was trying to poison her, and that her husband was going to shoot them all..... Poor nurse was in tears at one stage. My only demands of care was mainly to feed me ice every so often. Also in ICU I learnt how understaffed they where. It is meant to be one nurse/one patient ratio. But they had 2 patients, then covered other staff during breaks. I had to have 2 chest x-rays done, still had my canulla in my neck, was finally allowed a glass of water in the morning. By about lunchtime the next morning I was well enough to go to the ward.

PART 3: THE WARD

Was wheeled down in my bed to the ward. 1 South, bed 29. Was a 4 bed ward, 3 beds on one side and 1 bed on the other, the other space taken up with the nurses station in the actual room. Also had a room at the end with toilet and shower. I was by the door across from the nurses station. They rolled my bed up next to the one in the room an to maintain some dignity I wiggled myself over to the other bed.
I was sharing a room with 3 men (so much for the policy to try to have same sex wards, its a lie). 2 elderly men who had obviously had bowel operations and another gastric sleeve patient. It's funny I was only here for 3 nights but it seemed like much longer. As I am writing this over a week after the event, things won't be in time order, (drugs have mangled the brain a bit on that one too) so no total recall lol.
So over the next few days, it was trying to tolerate fluids, the disgusting leak test (it was so hard not to spew up the horrid fluid they make you drink).  Convincing them I was having enough liquids and no longer needed to control my pain dosage, so I could get the horrible IV removed.
You know when you are getting better, it's when you become more aware of your surroundings, you can't sleep through the moans of others and you just want to go home.
I couldn't wait to escape, I found the public hospital to be dirty and chaotic. Told myself I have to get private health Insurance so I never have to experience the public system again.

PART 4: HOMEWARDS

Finally after 4 nights, I was told Early Tuesday morning I could go home. Since they needed the bed, everything happened quickly. I showered and dressed while they organised paperwork, I sat in a chair while they stripped the bed and packed me up, where I was sent down to the transit lounge to await for my cousin to pick me up. Gave me a bag of drugs and off I went home. The ride home even though it was over 2 hours was quick as my cousin had work issues so I heard all about them so I just sat back and half hearted listened to her droll on. The excitement of the day wore me out so as soon as I got home to the familiar comfort of my own bed I slept for ages.


PART 5: THE JOURNEY HAS ONLY JUST BEGUN

Well it's now 22 days since my sleeve, 20 kg (44 lb) down from my heaviest ever. Since getting out of hospital I have had my kitchen renovated and house painted (still have to get floors done, but lino wasn't in stock so a few more weeks). My boys where at their fathers for 3 weeks and I just got them back yesterday. Oh ended up in casualty, not from my sleeve but I knocked myself out by hitting my head on corner of a bookcase. Had concussion, not fair to have a 2 day hangover when I don't drink lol.
Still trying to get my diet right, learning the hard way what some no no's are (had a bite of a pizza, even though I chewed 100 times, still didn't want to stay down then hours of discomfort.)
My diet is a bit shonky, still chewing on horrid chewable vitamins and also from today iron tablets. I am living of puree'd fruit tubs, yoghurt, sorbet, pumpkin soup and cream cheese on cruskits. Oh and a optifast with a scoop of protein day. Did discover chocolate mousse slides down easily, but felt sick after I ate it.
Scales haven't budged for 4 days, but dreaded monthlies showed up tonight so that explained the stall. Plus I am not exercising much. Also sleep a lot still, no energy. I lifted a box 2 nights ago and strained one of the incisions so very tender at moment.
Haven't needed my diabetes or arthritis medicine since surgery day. But a new problem (actually an old problem arisen) Restless Leg Syndrome (RLS), had this during my pregnancies and when I get run down. I belief with me it's caused by lack of iron. I had stopped taking my iron tablets since my operation, so back on iron today. Doctor want's me to get bloods done next week, but week is so busy already so have to squeeze that in somewhere. She also told me I have to start retaking my Vitamin D at least till summer.
She has given me a lower dose script of the oxycontin (was sent home with these from hospital for pain) for the RLS as this helps, but wants me off them before my next visit in 6 weeks. So must remember to take my iron tablet daily (even though it's big and nasty to swallow).

Well I need to go and send my kids to bed, hopefully won't fall to behind on my blog again. But always get a bit vague after I have a general anesthetic (I mean like for a few weeks after). Have my boys straight for 3 weeks now. With all 5 kids booked into dentist, 2 have paediatric appointments,  2 have curriculum days off school and teacher strike happening this week. Plus the kitchen is getting inspected, dog groomer on Tuesday and I have a Centrelink appointment in that mix somewhere. It's welcome back to the real world for me.....

4 days to go.

Well definitely know why I need the surgery. Can't even stay true to a diet for a few weeks. Only had a small cheat but angry at myself. Made the kids chicken with roast spuds. couldn't help myself, stuck a yummy oily roasted spud in my mouth. I know it wasn't a big cheat. But still annoyed that I did it. It tasted so yum too. I should be cooking the kids foods I hate this week. Not favourites lol.

Funny the optifast is starting to taste really salty. Wonder if this has happened to anyone else. Must remember to ask on a forum. Seems not only is my sense of smell becoming acute, so is my sense of taste.