4 days to go.

Well definitely know why I need the surgery. Can't even stay true to a diet for a few weeks. Only had a small cheat but angry at myself. Made the kids chicken with roast spuds. couldn't help myself, stuck a yummy oily roasted spud in my mouth. I know it wasn't a big cheat. But still annoyed that I did it. It tasted so yum too. I should be cooking the kids foods I hate this week. Not favourites lol.

Funny the optifast is starting to taste really salty. Wonder if this has happened to anyone else. Must remember to ask on a forum. Seems not only is my sense of smell becoming acute, so is my sense of taste.

Photo's, smells and kids

I did some Before (for the future before/after photos). I really don't realise how big I am. I have always been big since high school, but now I'm super obese and my mind still thinks otherwise until I see photo's.  Anyway no one will be seeing the before photos, wore light coloured tan leggings and a white thermal top and they where very fitted showing each bump and lump. Will be saved away till I at least drop 40 kilo's. Though I plan to do photo's every 10 kg I drop. which reminds me I need to do the next lot soon as I am only 500 grams away from 10 kg down from my heaviest ever weight. (recorded back in June).

Today I saw a friend I hadn't seen in a few months, she asked if I'd lost weight. She didn't know my surgery was coming up but knew I was having it. She is on a waiting list for a band. I told her to see about the sleeve as it has a way lower fail rate. (my sisters had the band and really I can't see great results). Maybe when I start loosing more weight she might consider it.

Watching the Olympics, wondering how great would it be to be that fit. Just watched the woman's triathlon. Aussie girl came 3rd. Thinking wouldn't it be great (maybe not a triathlon). To be able to go in a marathon race, not wanting to win just to finish. Who knows what the future might bring. It's been looking brighter already lately.

They where having a sausage sizzle at the netball today, it smelt so good. I'm learning to appreciate the smells that I can't eat. At least I can let food enjoy my other senses. Did do a bit of a no no tonight, but thought I have been so good and it was a minor infraction I will not punish myself about it. I made hamburgers for the kids for dinner. My salad of carrot, lettuce, tomato and capsicum was looking very bland. I tipped in the left over fried onion (yes dripping in oil). But it made my very bland salad taste slightly better and I hadn't put any dressing on the salad prior.

My teenagers are fighting and stressing me out. I'm really worried about after the operation that this won't be good for me. Specially the moments I actually have to break them up when fighting. I asked their father if he would take the twins (13) for an extra week after my operation and he is thinking about it (which in the past his thinking about it is usually a no unless he can get something out of it.)




Well 5 Days, 13 hours and 30 minutes left on my count down ticker. (that's my check in at the hospital time). Still got heaps to do. Biggest fear is the kitchen reno's 2 weeks after my operation and I need to pack up and move as many heavy items as I won't be able to lift for a bit afterwards. trying to organise lift for kids to their sporting events for when I can't drive for a couple of weeks after. Just need to get paperwork organised for the woman that is taking over my secretary role for the housing group that we self manage, for couple weeks (all the meetings fall the week after my surgery).  Also really need to clean up my bedroom as I have a floordrobe happening and want to be able to walk around my bed without tripping over.
So much to do, why am I mucking around on my computer lol

Smells, Taste and Wind

OMG OMG OMG. It's funny been waiting since 2006 (longer than most as I had to put my name back on waiting list, as all the crap that was happening in my life at the time). after all that waiting, it just seems unreal that it's nearly here. The start of my forever journey. The kick up the arse I have been needing for so long. I know it will be not easy road, one of the hardest things will be not using food to deal with the shit in my life. One of the reasons I got to this size, so with my crutch gone, and my safety net shrinking (my fat is my safety net from the world) Will have a lot of ups and downs. Thank God (or whoever is watching over me) I have wonderful friends x

I weighed myself this morning, so far since my pre-admission weight, I have lost 7.5kg,(16.5 pounds) put on my jeans this morning and the thighs are baggy. My daughter who never notices anything actually commented while we where shopping today that she could tell. (Shame the weight loss hasn't come with added energy still needed to sit down a few times while shopping)
Then this afternoon was explaining to one of my boys how much I have lost and to show him I went and grabbed flour and cake mixes and milo tins till he had 7.5kg in his hands. You don't realise how much it is until you are actually holding it. 

While at the shopping centre with my daughter we had to walk through the food court. It's funny when you haven't eaten solid food for a week now your other senses kick in. The smell of fried food nearly made me dry reach. But when walking past Subway the smell of the salad and fresh bread. Well it set my taste buds going.

I have so much wind and my stomach is forever rumbling, not so much hunger rumble, but a protest of stomach acids as there is nothing for them to break down. Would fill up more if I was a big veggie eater. Realised most of my favourite vegetables where starchy ones :(  Even brought some salad, as I enjoy salad, but it was just so bland with no cheese or meat or not having it with bread.
Oh how bad am I (not in a break the diet kinda way, but in a feral licking like a dog way) just made the kids tandoori chicken with rice and after I broke up the chicken licked my fingers like I would never eat again. Proud I didn't just grab a chunk and chuck it in my mouth. I am enjoy the aroma of it, got to taste the sauce, now my kids are enjoying gobbling it up lol.

TUBS x

Friend with Benefits

I have been seeing someone a few times this year under the title of "friends with Benefits" but I really know what this title is. It really means "I will sleep with you, but I don't want to be seen in public with your fat ugly body". How do I know this, well the guy I had the benefits with had that title as he was from 'out of town' about hour and half away and honestly with both of us with kids there was no future for a long time. But he informed me yesterday that he can no longer sleep with me as he now has a girlfriend. I accepted this as I said we lived to far apart. But he continued to inform me where she lived. She is 3 hours away from him (we where hour and half).
He was a friend (since we where teenagers) first and I now wish I had left it at that. He is coming over to do maintenance on my property (I got him the job, another regret) tomorrow. So have decided I'm going shopping. Leave him here with the list of things that need fixing.
In a way I am relieved he got a girlfriend as if I have to be honest with myself I settled. Meaning that I haven't had myself on the 'market' and when someone showed a little bit of interest to me sexually, I jumped at the chance. If he was in my life full time, well he just wouldn't be. He is a 'poor me' soul and I wouldn't put up with his bitching about the ex wife and custody crap (he has been separated 16 months) full time. Once a week on the phone was enough.
Anyway, next week is the start of my new life and going into that new life free of ties is the best. I know as soon as the weight falls off him and others will be sniffing around, and sweeties....you didn't want me at my worst so you are not having me at my best!!!

Mixed bag of ramblings from my mind

Day one of my pre-op diet AGAIN lol. At least this time I have a count down woohoo. But I'm so HUNGRY. Last time I went on the pre-op diet I didn't get as hungry as I feel right now, my tummy is actually growling at me :(
Haven't been shopping so can't even cook up some veggies on the free list. Trying to fill up on water but it doesn't seem to be working. Oh well early night and hopefully my rumbling tummy doesn't keep me awake.


Have had the trots all day, need fibre, but can't have benefibre. Brought Psyllium husk today (recommended by my GP) Had 2 teaspoons with my optifast dinner, so far so good, no crapping or running to the toilet like with the benefibre. Only thing is does make the drink gritty, doesn't dissolve as good as the benefibre. Must remember will need beneprotein or something similar for after the surgery. I weaned myself off coke last time I started the pre-op diet, this time I have to wean myself of diet lemonade and diet cordials as GP said no artificial sweeteners at all.  


Just read a blog last night about who told family, friends about their operations. I think I am very lucky to have wonderful friends and family that support my decision. I have had nearly no negative feed back in my choice. My eldest son and best friend are worried about me going under the knife, but that is the only fear that has been voiced. I have not made a secret of my decision, but nor have I gone public with it to acquaintances. If someone asked I plan to be open about it. My life is pretty much an open book, but I like it that way as any rumors about me are usually started by me lol.






Still have so much to get organised and this weekend has been taken up with kids sports (a whole 5 hours of netball tomorrow for a netball carnival. 14 minute games and think they play about 7 all up over the day) Must remember to take the Ritalin. Not sure if I have mentioned before have 2 kids out of my 5 on the autism spectrum. My eldest has mild to medium  Aspergers, he had a lot of intervention when younger but is coping well in main stream school and my youngest has Autism. I never liked the idea of medicating him, but put a skeptic in the room with him for an hour without him having his meds for the day and the person no longer a skeptic. He is full on, those jokes you see about Autism or ADHD and concentration, well that's my boy.  He has gone from getting sent to principals office or home each day to being a model student (does help he has a wonderful understanding teacher this year). It was so bad that by the time he was 9 (grade 2) he had been suspended a few times. The school ran out of his meds recently and forgot to tell me, 8 missed calls they where desparate lol. We tried for an aid, but due to his intelligence being higher than average, it balanced him out on some scale they use for assistance. Very frustrating.


Well as I said when I first started this blog better get to bed, might read another chapter of "Fifty Shades of Grey" Not the best written book I have ever come across, like the author had a copy of playboy in one hand and a thesaurus in the other. “His pointer finger circled my puckered love cave. “Are you ready for this?” he mewled, smirking at me like a mother hamster about to eat her three-legged young.”   Seriously !!!!! this is from the book so you know what I mean lol.
But like thousands of other deprived woman across the world, I want to see if the hampster eats its young lol

SURGERY DATE

OMG OMG OMG. So excited. Finally have my surgery date. 10th August. Rang the booking office and they told me ""finally"". Now I'm annoyed at myself for coming off the optifast, but the last time I rang they told me it wouldn't be until at least September. So 2 weeks on the optifast is going to have to be enough :/

I'm wondering if I have slotted into a cancellation as I haven't received paperwork from them and that would have been it would have been less than 2 weeks notice.
Well so much for the dietitian wanting me on the optifast for 4 weeks. I'm still down 4 kg from when I started it last. But I ended coming off it as I thought it was too expensive to be on for so long. Problem is old 'fat' habits returned and been pigging out last 2 weeks. But I have stayed off the coke and chocolate. Have put on roughly just under 2kg of the 6 I initially lost that first week I started on the optifast. I can hear my body swearing at me already lol. Well have plenty of optifast, just ordered 4 weeks worth of optifast too. Was going to go out for dinner tonight, but have cancelled those plans as starting the optifast as of now. Though my doctor has modified my diet slightly, I need to find Psyllium Husks as a replacement to benefibre as I'm not allowed wheat products. Also she told me to have watered down normal cordial instead of anything with artificial sweetener.

I knew this would all clash, kitchen renovation and surgery. Plus my sister was going to take me home, but she will be away in Queensland that week. The one good thing is it falls on a day that the kids go to their dads for a week. So no worrying about finding carers.








Now I'm starting to get into panic mode typing this, as there is so much to organise. I have to pack up the kitchen, I just started cleaning all the cupboards in the kids rooms so still have to sort though piles of mess (that have found it's way into the hall way thanks to 2 of my kids swapping rooms.) My room looks like a bomb hit it too. Then I also have a voluntary secretary role with my housing group, all the meetings fall in that week so will have to organise someone to take over my role for the week.

But I will say this, it's a happy panic mode. With a hint of fear.

Day 6 Pre Op..... Woohoo hit a small Target

Well have been jumping on the scales daily (habit) lol. Been loosing about a one kg a day (2.2 pounds). Well today I hit the 6 kg (13.2 Pounds). I never really thought about where this weight goes, but considering how much I have been spending on the toilet the last 6 days, I wonder no more lol.
Friend suggested I half my benefiber intake (as I had diarrhea). Did that yesterday and I feel so much better. Obviously my body didn't need so much fibre. My muscles are not aching as much as they did 3 days ago so that's a good sign too.
Oh also my order for the Strawberry optifast arrived (couldn't find it locally) Have decided this is the best tasting protein drink out of all the ones I have tried. Going to retry the soup tomorrow, the last time I had it I made the mistake of making the water to hot and it went gluggy. Will try it with some chopped veggies on my can have list.
Going to be a busy next few weeks, I'm getting a new kitchen and they are redoing the floors in my kitchen/dining/lounge. Plus painting all that area too. Since there is a fair bit of packing and lifting to do thought I'd better make a start. Won't be able to lift anything after the operation.
Haven't been able to get much housework done, school holidays in winter are always a nightmare, 5 kids in a confined space, blood is usually spilled before the end of the week. Plus every time I wash a cup another clean one is taken out of the cupboard and dirtied. So kitchen is on strike!
Tried ringing the hospital this morning as I still haven't got a surgery date, a time frame was ok a few weeks ago, but with 5 kids and other commitments I need dates. Will need to arrange for the boys to be at their dad's the week I go to hospital if it falls on my custody week. Then there is the kids sporting events to arrange them to get to while I can't drive for a couple of weeks. Plus as I mentioned the new kitchen going in, I'm going to have tradesmen  trooping through my house for a couple of weeks.
Couldn't sleep last night, my body was exhausted but my mind wouldn't stop with all the things I need to do.

So speaking of things I need to do, the clothes on my bedroom floor are not going to fold itself....sigh