Sunday, 29 January 2012

Murphy's Law

Just heard that my operation on the public waiting list is due in April. Dilemma!!! Do I wait 2 more months and save all my money, or do I get it all out of the way now?   Arrghhhh.


Ok I am trying to visualise 6 months from now, where most of my illnesses have melted away with my weight. which reminds me must ask how am I to take the drugs that say "with food" when I can't eat "food" after the op.
Decided to go out with the gang last night, everyone gets excited when I show up as I haven't been going out much lately. Used to party all weekend every fortnight awhile back. now I'm lucky to put in a monthly show at my favourite watering hole. I suppose they miss the funny fat girl. So many obese people do it. Build a comedy wall around them. Get the fat jokes out of the way before someone likes to point out how huge you are.
I probably could have kept on being the funny fat girl, but my "fat" has made me sick. It is sucking the life out of me. Depriving me of some wonderful times with my friends and family. I never wanted to be "My Mother" but I am turning into her, no motivation, no willpower, no hope.
I haven't told too many people about the surgery, at first a probably told people who didn't want to know lol. But as it's drawing closer I have kept this date to a half dozen close friends. Who they have told, I don't know. No one seems to be able to keep secrets in this day and age.
Ok Have made a decision, not going to put my start weight on here just yet. Yes ashamed, very ashamed. Will put how much I have lost. then when I'm feeling empowered about the weight that's dripping off I will blog a start weight.
Have my appointment with the Dietitian tomorrow, that is by phone, only have 21 optifast products so guessing I actual only go on that for a week. Mind you the new tablets that I'm taking for the diabetes are making me feel nauseous and having problems down the other end of the intestinal journey. So haven't been able to eat much at all.
I did a what I want to achieve when the weight falls off bucket list once when I was "dieting" before. Been trying to find it to post. Another blogger I read ticked off different weights for her journey (eg. weight when she was married, weight before first baby) so goal set that way. I like the idea, but also want to add a bucket list. Things that I can achieve again now that I am fitter and healthier. Like *walk a flight of stairs without stopping, *buy an item of clothing at Sportsgirl, Will do up a list before surgery.
Getting really nervous about this superannuation, they said to ring them back this week. Also I had to prove that I had the difference in my bank account. (Super falls short $2000) Which I'm still waiting on my tax return for half of that. Cutting everything so close. DHS (who took over from APRA, last December) said that if there was any problems with the paperwork then I'd be looking at  another 17 days. Since the surgery is on the 13th February, I would have to reorganise everything. Surgeon is going away for the second half of Feb so I wouldn't get another date till early March :(
Oh had a new hair do, posted a picture on facebook, from the boobs up (as always) have had over 20 likes and another 20 comments about how great I look. Wonder if I had posted the full body picture I took at the same time I would get so many comments??

Friday, 27 January 2012

27th November 2011

27 NOVEMBER 2011
Well today was not much better as I polished of the rest of the chocolates. When counting the wrappers afterwards I’d consumed over 25 of the little buggers. Not so little when you add them up like that.
I need to work on mind, body and soul. Not just calorie intake.
I can’t just sit around and let things overwhelm me again. I watched a television interview of a man that weighed in at 280kg. I saw a reflection of myself in his tears. As much as I hate 5 second journalism (It was on a Current Affair). He asked them for help and they are getting him help. So guessing if they succeed then it will be a regular follow up on his progress.
The thing that worries me though, as much as we can ask for help and it is delivered; it’s something in our core that has to wake up. I did once before. Lost over 30kg back 4-5 years ago. Something snapped inside of me. I need that light to go on again. I do belief keeping this journal will be a wakeup call. As long as I stay honest with myself and truthful to what I am doing wrong and make sure I document what I am doing right.
Ok now for the days food intake:
1 ½ jaffles for brunch:
50 Grams Ham 54
50 grams Colby cheese 240
2 hamburger buns 270
2 x Tablespoon of olive oil spread light 240
The nasty chocolate 1573
Banana 76
Innergy 72
V8 Juice 102
Potato Salad (Cup) 250

So total Calorie intake is 2,877.
Ok been trying to work out what my calorie intake should be.  Found one calculator that said if I wanted to stay the same weight (if lol) my intake should be 2977. To lose weight I’m aiming at 2000 calories a day.
I’m going to do this.

26th November 2011

Seriously, am I truly trying to sabotage my life? I did the shopping yesterday with the intentions of following an old weight watchers eating plan for the week. What have I done, eaten nearly 500grams of chocolate and 5 jam donuts today.  I wasn’t even hungry. Not to mention the bottle of coke I drank when I haven’t touched coke in over 4 weeks. Well at least I never had a cigarette today. I suppose I can be thankful for something.
My shame list for today:
Innergy 72
100 grams of creamy capsicum dip 235
10 water crackers 130
3 tablespoons full of kabana pasta salad 70
Bottle of soda water with cordial 150
Bottle of coke 516
5 hot jam donuts 1330
At a guess 400 grams of Cadbury favourites (brought with the intention of Christmas presents) 2000
Hamburger with the lot, with mayo and sauce and caramelised onion, cheese on burger bun 800

That is a grand old total of 5303 Calories for the day, give or take a hundred.  The chocolate alone was what someone’s daily intake should be let alone the rest. Hopefully I will shame myself in adding up the total.
No wonder I have been averaging a weight gain of roughly 2 kg a month over the last year.  I don’t eat much for a few days then feed my body this much junk. I need to :WAKE UP

16 October 2011

16 October 2011.
Diary of a Fat Chick

Well another lazy wasteful day. Eating crap and watching movies.
Food Intake:
Baked Potato with coleslaw, sour cream, bacon, cheese and pineapple
Garlic balls x 4
4 pieces of pizza
3 pieces of hedgehog slice
3 honey joys
Way to many cans of soft drink
Ok far enough not everyday is this bad. Just the days I use the word diet!
Exercise: NIL

House is a mess, I’m a mess. Need to wake up to myself. Always get the guilt’s at night lying in bed. Well If I ate right, didn’t feed myself crap and exercised (even stop being so lazy) Then I wouldn’t feel this bad.
Things I know will help me:
Menu plan
Clean kitchen
Bucket list
Photo diary
Ok it’s late and one thing I know I have to improve is my sleep patterns. One good thing is I’m still off the coke, and smoking limited still. Next smoke offered I will turn down!

24th August 2010

24th August 10
Well just got back from The public hospital appointment at the obesity clinic. Looks like I still have 12 to 18 months to wait for the surgery but it’s a step closer. They are not going to give me a lap band, due to the fact I don’t live near a hospital that would be able to deal with complications of a band. They are going to do a Gastric Sleeve Resection. It’s where they cut away 2/3rds of my stomach.
I couldn’t belief how much weight I’d actually put on. That means I have piled on 26kg since this time last year. They need me to start changing some of my dietary habits now, which I know I have too.  The more I can drop before surgery the safer it will be, plus it will mean a huge re-kick start. (Meaning I usually can lose weight, but then get in a rut and pile it back on again. So if I can Loss about 20kg before the surgery, then I’d hit a plateau the surgery will kick my arse back into action to loss faster).
So anyway I have started this journal, just so I can record my weight loss and surgery experience (including the waiting).

Date Set

Well I have a surgery date. 13th February. This is all depending on if the Superannuation I'm drawing from comes to the party. Will know next week. I do not have Health Insurance, I have been on the public waiting list for 2 years (Apparently the average wait is 3 and half years at the moment). So I am using what superannuation I have and still had to find $2000.
Why so Desperate? Guilt! Guilt that I sit on the couch barking orders to my kids, even to fetch me drinks and food. The fact that the local milk-bar is only 300 Metres away and I haven't been able to walk to it in 2 years. That only about 4 outfits in my over flowing wardrobe currently fit me. That I'm always turning my friends down when they ask me to go out clubbing as I'm to embarrassed to be seen out at this size.
Even tonight a friend just messaged me asking to come out. Even offering to pay for cab and drinks as I used the excuse I'm too poor. Which is not a lie as I have been saving every penny for the operation. But not the whole reason.
Optimistic, in 6 months time no more tablets (on 6 different types) no more Ventolin, no more sleep apnia, no more diabetes, no more arthritis. Hopefully my health turns around for the better.
Been watching a heap of Video blogs on you tube of people that have had weight loss surgery. Been debating if I should blog this way. Less anonymous though. Really don't want a lot of people knowing I'm having the surgery. It wasn't a secret that I am, but now it's all happening have only told a few close friends. When I drop 50kg, then I will let everyone know what my original weight was. (yes I lie when people ask)
What do I weigh? Will post that figure when I know for sure the surgery is a go next week. Lets just say if I had actually made it onto Biggest Loser Australia this year I would be the fattest female :(

Oh going to post those blogs I typed but never actually posted. Have dated them, not sure if I can slot them in with dates or they will all be posted on the one date. See what happens.

Saturday, 21 January 2012

Tiny light at the end of the tunnel.

Well a lots been happening since I last blogged. I actually did write a bit on my computer, will post bits and pieces soon when I remove names and places (Being Anonymous saves ridicule).
Some new facts have been brought to light. I am not morbidly obese. I am SUPER obese. Makes me all tingling inside... nope that's probably just my heart working triple time :(
I am in the post op stage of Weight Loss surgery so I felt it would be good to start blogging again so I can reflect on my fears and challenges.
Have just found out some bad health news (all obesity related) so actual need a couple of hours to sit down and write it all out.
So people (well no one is following my blog yet, but when I'm a skinny bitch (hey positive attitude please!) I'm sure this will be one of the most popular blogs around.
4.30am on a Sunday morning and I need sleep before the kids wake me.
Toodles, Luv Tubs xx