Sunday, 8 April 2012

Week on week off

I do week on week off with four of my kids (the eldest just floats between her father and I). I say this to explain my weight loss pattern. Last weigh in was 5kg (no kids home). The week just gone only 600 gram loss and I think that was only because my IBS was playing up on the weekend. I know it was school holidays and a chocolate rabbit was consumed!  Take out three times this week, pizza, kebabs and fish and chips. I suppose the first step in any battle is knowing where you went wrong.  But anyway back on track today.

Went out last night with a wonderful group of friends. Pub that I used to hang out regularly at before I started loosing my self confidence and when I could drink like a fish. they organise a festival in the street every Easter. So heaps of bands, great weather and great company. Managed to stay out past midnight, haven't done that trick in 6 months. (used to party till 3am).  Even was getting a bit of the opposite sex attraction, not that I was interested which brings me to my next subject.
I am single, I choose to be single at this point in my life. I actually do see a guy casually (he lives in a town 3 hours away). We catch up about once a month and chat on the phone a couple of times a week. But I have this brick wall that won't allow anyone into my heart at the moment. Why you may ask..... Because I have realised I have to love myself before I let anyone else into my heart. My friends are always saying, "oh he was a nice guy chatting you up, why did you give him the cold shoulder?" Because how can I love  anyone if I don't care about myself. If I look in the mirror and all those comments about "you are so pretty if only you where thin." flood my mind. I even had one friend comment last night, after your op, you are going to be bombarded with men asking me out. Why should being 50 kg lighter make a difference. society you suck......
Anyway, rant over. I think what I'm trying to say is I need to get my head in the right place. I am not loosing weight to find love with anyone. i am loosing weight to help me love myself again. I'm angry at myself for getting so big, so unfit so unhealthy. Until I can reverse the self loath thoughts then my heart is closed.

1 comment:

  1. I can totally understand where you are coming from with the self-loathing thing and being upset about getting so big and unhealthy, I have the exact same problem.

    Although I am married and my husband says he "doesn't care how big you are" I struggle with showing him the love he deserves because I have hated myself for sooooo long. I am only now just starting to like and accept myself a little so I can promise you, you will end up loving yourself, but it does take time. I also agree with you, society does suck and why should 50kg make any difference, you and me, we are the same people inside!