Saturday, 14 April 2012


On a forum I link this blog too, I had a comment about sharing detail about what I ate. I decided after my last blog where there was a comment asking if i'd seen a psychiatrist and making me feel generally bad about myself. I reflected why do I write my blog! I write it for myself. I choose to share it with others. I now do not blog directly to any site but have put a link so people need to make a choice before reading. I will not change my style or thoughts or make a decision on if this blog is going to offend. It's who I am. I have my friends and family constantly judging me, my blog is a place to allow me to totally express myself. I listed my binge foods so I can reflect back upon that blog at a later date and realise why and what I did to help me move over that hurdle. If I just listed had a pizza and other bad stuff, well few months/years/decades down the track I would think "oh that wasn't so bad" But it was and I need to remember that feeling of self loathing and guilt to keep check that this does not happen again. I need to reflect what triggers binges and bad choices in my diet. I won't be able to binge with the sleeve, but I don't want to be a few years down the track and have stretched my small tummy out with wrong choices. My eldest sister had a lap band a few years back. The first year she did great and lost 30kg, but then she discovered that if she "sucked" chocolate it slid right past the band. She has recently gone to a psychiatrist to deal with this as her chocolate addiction stems way back previous to banding. She hasn't put weight back on but she also still needs to loose about 30kg.

I need to note my trigger foods, my trigger moods. People that "enable" (I am saving ENABLERS for a whole blog). So many things set my brain off on bad eating habits. I am not a chocoholic like my sister or daughter but once a month for about 2 days my body craves, needs, wants, chocolate (always know when my periods are coming with this craving). My binge started with the fact I had not had enough water and not eaten enough in the day, that I was bored with the food in my fridge and I had been on stuck on the phone all day to annoying idiots. I know these are not excuses, but I need to know what triggers me. Put out the fire while its smoldering not when its red hot flames.

Speaking of phone calls, I still are not any closer to being given a date, I rang the booking office (yes one of the phone calls on 'B' day (binge day) Every time I ring them I get someone different with conflicting information. This time I was told I would need to go on the optifast diet for 3 weeks prior to surgery and to not go on it till I was told. Ok that one threw me, how can my surgery be in April if I'm on the diet for 3 weeks prior that takes me to May already. Last time I was told I would be called up to come down the following day to see the anesthetist and that the surgery would be a week later!!!! First time I was told I would get a letter for what day to come into surgery. Ok now that is 3 THREE conflicting stories. I know in about 2 months ' hopefully after the surgery' I will look back on this waiting and think why did I let this get to me. But I am letting it get to me and its frustrating. I'm not very spiritual person but I have even been praying this week. I always feel selfish for praying for things for myself, but I feel so desperate.

OK on a completely different note, school holidays finish soon. One more sleep...woohooo. Sometimes I just think 2 weeks is just too long, they get a little bored towards the end. Noticed this when Happy Feet 2 was put on for the 3rd time lol. Fingers crossed Miss 16 year old attends school this term, been having a lot of issues with so many excuses. (had a lot of bullying issues 2 years ago and has hated school since) If senior school started around noon and went till dinner time we would be fine. Missy is just not a morning person. I have to get myself back into a decent sleep pattern too. No more staying up reading and writing blogs till 3am in the morning. I need to do a list of habits I have broken the last few years and those I still need to break. Ok whole other blog there too will call that one 'Addictions"' when I get some more spare time.

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